Facing the bereaved every year are holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays... and the question of how to survive them, especially if they are newly bereaved.
Right now, we are in the heart of the holidays, with an anniversary or birthday right around the corner. Starting with Halloween, then Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, and Valentine's Day, they seem to go on and on.
Between grocery stores, department stores, media, music, flowers, hearts, candles, and indoor and outdoor decorations, the holidays are very hard to escape and they seem to start months before they actually occur on the calendar. There's a constant reminder of what is coming and that can cause panic to set in as to “What am I going to do?” The anticipation of what is coming is often worse for many bereaved than the actual day or holiday.
So, what is the answer? It is simple—have a PLAN. Tradition is wonderful, but sometimes it can wait for a year or two. Or, you can even change the tradition to meet the situation. For example: If you always have a real Christmas tree, this year either have no tree, or an artificial tree, or even decorate a large plant.
Sometimes families try to keep everything the same for the holidays, but it will never be the same, because your loved one will no longer be there to celebrate with you.
Instead of having everyone over for the holidays, perhaps this is the year to go out for dinner. Or, instead of hosting everyone at your house, go to someone else’s home for dinner.
Instead of always making everything yourself, have everyone bring their favorite dish or assign everyone a certain thing to bring.
Instead of baking pies, perhaps you could buy one or have someone else bring one or two.
If you should be invited to someone’s house for dinner and you think this might be very difficult for you, then you have the option of not going. However, if you decide to go and it's not too far away, you might consider driving yourself so you can leave early if you feel you need to.
If you decide to go to someone’s house for dinner, it is very important for you to share with your host/hostess how you are feeling about the holiday due to your recent loss, especially if you are having a difficult time. Be sure they know that you might have to leave the room for a couple of minutes or leave early because you may be feeling overwhelmed with everyone and your loss.
Perhaps you could come over later when there are fewer people and everyone is not trying to make you feel better with their cheerful words, such as “Wishing you the best on this wonderful day,” or “If you would smile, you might feel better instead of crying so much.”
If you always send cards or Christmas letters, perhaps this is the year to either send none or cut your list down to those you do not see all the time. Next year or the year after you can resume your Christmas card and letter lists.
If you do send cards and letters and want to include your deceased loved one in the card/letter, you can include their name at the bottom where you sign your name but have their name in quotation marks or parenthesis.
The holidays can be emotionally, physically, and psychologically draining. So, be sure to get plenty of rest and relax when you can over the holidays—before, during, and after.
If you would like to remember your loved one during the holidays, you could light a candle and place it on the counter or table, offer a prayer in remembrance of your loved one, or raise a glass and toast your loved one. You could also give money to their favorite charity in memory of them. If they loved to read, perhaps dedicate a book to the library in memory of them. All of these ideas could create a chance for others to perhaps share stories, memories, and how they may be feeling.
If you decide to put up a tree, you could buy a small one and devote it to the memory of your loved one. The only ornaments on the small tree could be ones that remind you of them. Every year, add another ornament to this special tree. In fact, others may want to contribute an ornament to this small tree in memory of your loved one.
Instead of shopping in person and getting attacked by all the elves running around, you could simply send gift cards, shop online, or from a catalog. You would be surprised how many good deals you might be able to get.
It is also very important to feel what you feel and not try to mask your feeling for everyone around you. It is ok to cry. It is ok not to be ok.
It may seem that the holidays are going to be terrible, and yes, there could be some difficult times. But it is ok to laugh, smile, and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty or like you have forgotten your loved one.
Remember, anticipating the holidays, a birthday, or an anniversary is much worse than the actual day. God Bless all of you!!!!!!!!
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