Recently I read an article about Adam Phillips, the wonderful British child psychoanalyst. In it he was quoted as saying, “There’s nothing to you until someone sees something in you.”

At first I wondered, is this really true? Don’t we know ourselves and know what we are capable of even without someone else noticing?

And then I remembered my training. In studying child development, I learned that it was eye contact with the parent that helps the infant to settle down when agitated or frightened, and it is through eye contact with the parent that infants learn social regulation. In fact, the greater the amount of parent-infant eye contact, the better the social regulation of the infant.

So, quite literally, from the very beginning babies need to be looked at — and seen — by their parents.

I also remembered that later in development, at ages two, three, and four, the greater the ability of the parent to “see” (that is, to know and to admire their child), the more likely it is that the child will feel worthwhile. The child of this age who feels noticed and valued by the parent will incorporate these feelings into their own sense of themselves as admirable and valuable. This is the basis for self-confidence.

All two and three-year-olds will say, “Look at me!” What they need is for the parent to see what they are doing – and also who they are. Children of all ages want to know that they are noticed, that they are valued, and that their particular abilities are appreciated.

Of course, this does not mean you need to say "Good job,........

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