What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

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Many victims of childhood abuse do not tell anyone about the trauma they experienced.

Abuse victims may be afraid of not being believed, of being judged, or of the person viewing them differently.

Choosing the right person or people to tell can bring compassion, kindness, and support.

Even though child abuse is being talked about more than ever before, many victims of childhood abuse do not tell anyone about the trauma they experienced, especially those who were sexually abused. In a previous post, I outlined the reasons why former victims are reluctant to disclose abuse. All these fears and concerns about sharing your trauma are very real and should be honored. But what you will discover is that if you choose the right person or people to tell, you are more than likely to receive compassion, kindness, and support. The following suggestions will help you to choose the safest, most caring person to tell.

Tell someone who you know cares about you. It can be very frightening to think of telling someone else about the abuse you experienced as a child. You may be afraid of being judged or of not being believed, especially if the abuse was extreme or unusual. You may feel concerned that the person you tell will never see you in the same way as they did before. After all, you don’t want people to “feel sorry for you" or view you as weak or “strange.” But if you choose someone you are close to, someone who cares about you, the chances are high that this person will not judge you or suddenly change their perception of you.

Choose a compassionate person, someone you can trust, who is likely to hear your story without judgment. If you know that someone is very judgmental of others, he or she is not the person to tell. If at all possible, choose a person whom you have personally experienced as being supportive and nonjudgmental toward others. Choose someone who is fairly educated when it comes to child abuse issues. You can determine this by the way the person talks about and treats victims. Comments such as, “Here we go again. Another victim blaming their lot in life on childhood abuse,” or “Wah, wah, wah, I’m such a victim, listen to all the terrible things that happened to me,” are typical of someone who has no empathy for victims and no education about victimization and what it does to people. This type of person is not someone to trust with your story. On the other hand, if you hear someone say, “I feel so badly for what happened to ___. What a difficult life he has had” or “I certainly understand why ____ acted the way she did. She was abused most of her childhood,” you can be fairly certain that this person has been educated about what being victimized can do to someone.

When disclosing childhood abuse, it is also important to choose someone who is likely to believe what you tell them. If you know that a friend or family member has issues with people who say they have been abused, perhaps because you have overheard this person say disparaging things about victims, this is obviously not the person to tell. And if you know that a particular family member has made excuses for your abuser in the past or has an investment in not recognizing the truth about your abuser, this would not be the person to tell.

When you do tell someone, make sure you take in any compassion you receive. Hopefully, you have chosen a person who can be compassionate toward you, so let this be a healing experience. Take a deep breath and let the supportive words of your friend or family member in. Don’t cut them off by telling them that they shouldn’t worry, you are OK now, or that it wasn’t so bad. Don’t take care of their feelings. This is your time to receive understanding, support, and compassion. If you are fortunate enough to receive these things from the person, view them as gifts, gifts that you deserve.

If you are in a support group or recovery group, you have an excellent opportunity to tell others about your trauma. Most groups are set up so that all members have been advised as to how to react to someone talking about past trauma, especially when it involves childhood sexual abuse experiences, but make sure instructions have been given to listen and not be judgmental.

The more positive experiences you have telling friends and/or family members about your trauma, the more healing you will likely experience. Go into the conversation with the mindset that it is the same as telling someone about the fact that someone stole your car or broke into your house. You would have no reason to feel shame if you were a victim of either one of these crimes, so why should you feel shame because you were the victim of the crime of child abuse?

In addition to disclosing to a trusted friend or family member, I strongly recommend you seek therapy and share your experience of child abuse with your therapist. You will not only lift the burden of keeping your abuse a secret, but you will also make it possible to get the help you need. It is not uncommon for former victims of child abuse to do to others what was done to them, or to continue being victimized throughout their lives if they don’t discover ways to heal.

What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

Take our Your Mental Health Today Test

Find a therapist near me

Engel, Beverly (2023). Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Prometheus Books, Guilford, Connecticut.

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