“I realized that I was a jerk.”
“I discovered what I was hiding all these years…”
“I finally confronted my aggression.”
“I understood why I was angry at you.”
When reading these sentences, they might sound aware, insightful, and sincere.
Which they are.
But if you read them again you’ll notice something else.
All these sentences are in past tense.
We all tend to speak in past tense. I’ve found that partners tend to speak in past tense especially when it comes to intimate conversations about sensitive topics.
Why? Because speaking in past tense in intimate relationships can double as an unconscious defense mechanism against threatening vulnerability and intimacy. This initially might surprise you, but let me explain.
Speaking in past tense, albeit honest, in the long run can prevent empathy and closeness.
It’s pseudo-vulnerability
Past tense is a safe way to share something vulnerable without the risk of being exposed. It's pseudo-vulnerability: On one hand you’re sharing something that happened to you (being vulnerable) but the emphasis is that it happened in the past and not now (less vulnerable). It’s reporting on the result of your inner journey, instead of sharing the journey itself. It reflects more self-presentation than vulnerable self-disclosure.
It protects you from hurtful feedback
Past tense protects you from feedback or challenge. Since you already realized and learned about yourself, then there isn’t much your partner can renew, stretch, or contribute to your growth. You remain safe from harsh criticism or feedback.
It’s a One-Up Move
By consistently speaking in past tense, you position yourself above your partner, who might not have processed what you now understand. It positions you as the more regulated and aware partner.
Speaking in past tense consistently creates an impression that you aren’t really open to input or to accepting influence from your partner. This can make your partner feel less impactful and meaningful in your life. How can they contribute or be meaningful in your process if you already realized and understood yourself? Eventually your partner will be less curious, open, and vulnerable with you, since you’re not exposing your behind-the-scenes.
Over time, past-tense communication creates a one-up relational move that produces more distance and an implicit hierarchy. The result is less excitement, collaboration, co-creation, and synergy—all the things that make a vital, empowering, collaborative relationship.
What’s the solution?
Speaking in present tense is a high risk, high gain endeavor and has many advantages:
With some practice, you will be able to change the communication culture of your relationship to the present.
When you shift to present-tense communication, your relationship will enjoy the presents that it brings: more vitality, energy, zest, growth, ruptures and repairs. So present-tense your communication and see how that changes your life.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2007). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. London, UK: Orion.
Neill, J. R., & Kniskern, D. P. (Eds.). (1989). From psyche to system: The evolving therapy of Carl Whitaker. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Schnarsh, D. (1997). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York, NY: Owl books.
Present-Tense Your Intimate Communication
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18.04.2024
“I realized that I was a jerk.”
“I discovered what I was hiding all these years…”
“I finally confronted my aggression.”
“I understood why I was angry at you.”
When reading these sentences, they might sound aware, insightful, and sincere.
Which they are.
But if you read them again you’ll notice something else.
All these sentences are in past tense.
We all tend to speak in past tense. I’ve found that partners tend to speak in past tense especially when it comes to intimate conversations about sensitive topics.
Why? Because speaking in past tense in intimate relationships can double as an unconscious defense mechanism against threatening vulnerability and intimacy. This initially might surprise you, but let me explain.
Speaking in past tense, albeit honest, in the long run can........
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