With the approach of Valentine’s Day, I have come across many beautiful quotes about love.
And a couple of humorous ones.
One was by author Ambrose Bierce. He says love is a “temporary insanity curable by marriage.” This definition of love was originally published in the satirical book The Devil's Dictionary. But is there any truth to it? If so, why does love decline? And what can we do about it?
The present article attempts to provide some answers. It summarizes the findings of a recent review paper by Weber and Baucom, which examines the causes and solutions to declining positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in romantic relationships.
New couples usually have more positive than negative experiences in the earlier stages of their romantic relationship, for example, when they begin dating, become engaged, or start their married life.
This positivity has many sources, including intense feelings of warmth and a sense of harmony experienced when thinking about the romantic partner or the relationship itself, and the pleasure of engaging in activities together, such as dining out and going to the movies.
Yet, potential negatives (e.g., conflicts, hostilities, shouting matches, even physical violence) can increase over time. When this occurs, some seek couples therapy, and as a result, the relationship survives—or, if a breakup is the right decision, the relationship ends amicably.
In many other cases, however, things escalate and the relationship ends painfully, as when a husband and wife go through a prolonged and nasty divorce.
Even if negatives do not increase over time, positives may decline. In these situations, the romantic partners may not feel that love is completely gone, yet they remain well aware of the fading away of the initial spark, flame, vitality, passion, or enthusiasm.
For instance, they might notice that acts of affection (e.g., holding hands, hugging, saying "I love you," giving gifts) have gradually disappeared or have lost their magic and compelling emotional power.
One reason positive experiences decline is that loving behaviors become less frequent.
Research shows that the “honeymoon period” is one of high intensity and exclusive attention to one’s lover. It is also metabolically expensive. So, naturally, it cannot last.
Another reason the honeymoon period does not last is the eventual intrusion of external demands (e.g., work, study). These demands leave less energy and time for maintaining the previously high positive energy levels and regular engagement in enjoyable romantic experiences.
This is particularly the case with external pressures that cause severe or chronic stress, for instance, major work or financial worries.
Another explanation for the loss of passion is romantic behaviors becoming not less frequent but less rewarding. Specifically, even if a couple finds a way to engage in all the rewarding activities they did at the beginning, they may find these behaviors are no longer as pleasurable.
For example, the husband’s jokes now sound less funny. The “I love you” text messages of his wife seem not as cute or adorable. Or the couple’s sex life appears increasingly boring and predictable.
So, whether due to habituation, predictability (e.g., as a result of greater stability in family life and career), or other factors, behaviors once considered delightful and gratifying become less so.
One approach to increasing the positives in romantic relationships is based on cognitive-behavioral couples therapy.
How could cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you may wonder, help couples complaining of emotional problems (e.g., not feeling love in their relationship)? Can CBT really rekindle a romantic relationship?
First, we need to understand that cognitive behavioral models assume thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interrelated. CBT is based on the idea that to change how you feel, you need to change how you think or behave.
Second, the treatment aims to create more opportunities where positive feelings can emerge.
As researchers Weber and Baucom note, “Because expressions of love often arise when couples feel connected, the intervention might focus on increasing opportunities for connection,” such as “increasing enjoyable activities and demonstrations of support, care, and gratitude.”
The best way to increase opportunities for love and connection will depend on the specific reasons the spark began fading initially. As noted earlier, two common explanations for why positives decline in a romantic relationship are external pressures and stale routines. So, the last two sections of this article will offer suggestions on how to deal with each of these problems.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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