Denise Welch has just unveiled the Christmas single no one could have predicted

The year is 2025. Band Aid is cancelled, streaming has killed the Christmas number one, and Denise Welch is dropping hyperpop festive bangers about Maltesers.

We’re so back, baby.

The Loose Women and Corrie legend (and hun culture goliath) has added her own contribution to the canon of Christmas bangers, in a Brat-inspired move that will surely see her pal Charli XCX giving her approval.