Hey, Santa. How’s final prep going? Zero hour is coming and it’s gotta be hectic, Nicky. Just how many times have you tripped over scurrying elves as they frantically packed up that sleigh? Part of the job people don’t talk enough about. Need a hand in getting gifts for each of the franchises in the great northern league?
Well tap me on each shoulder with a giant, magical candy cane and dub me Donny the Elf. I can help you out.
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MONTREAL ALOUETTES
What does Santa get the team that has everything? They ended the year with an incredible Grey Cup victory and a joyous civic celebration. They followed that up with loads of contract extensions for key players as well as GM Danny Maciocia and head coach Jason Maas. Tough to buy for, these Alouettes. My own usual go-to in this situation is a bottle of booze of some sort so maybe run with that, Santa. Or perhaps another contract extension, this one for Ciante Evans. Hey, a little word association here helps with that booze gift, actually. A contract for Ciante and a nice bottle of Chianti. Done.
One more thing: Even more from Tyson Philpot in 2024.
WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
After successive losses in the Grey Cup, Santa could treat the Bombers to that little extra oomph needed to get over the hump in 2024, whatever form that oomph needs to take. A wildcard free agent signing? An elixir of some sort that ensures aging legs remain explosively energetic? Santa knows what that’s all about. Guy’s been at it for over a thousand years with no perceptible slip in his performance regardless of his, umm, advancing veteran status. Whatever he’s got in that eggnog of his, Santa can spare a bit, I’m sure, for Winnipeg’s 30-somethings. If he does, I’m afraid the end will not be in sight, haters.
One more thing: Two, actually. A contract for Brady Oliveira and one for Dalton Schoen.
BC LIONS
They’ll ask for a home field appearance in next year’s Grey Cup, of course. But Santa, with all his magic power, can do only so much and the Lions need to accomplish that one largely on their own. But a big box with contract extensions for Canadian defensive stars Mathieu Betts and Ben Hladik in it seems like something that could elicit lots of “ooohs” and “ahhhs” on the coast.
One more thing: More of the same from Vernon Adams Jr. More of the same. Oh, and a muscular ground game on top of that. And I know that Lucky Whitehead wants a llama that he can ride up to the stadium on game day.
TORONTO ARGONAUTS
A fully healed and healthy Kurleigh Gittens Jr. would go a long way for the Boatmen in 2024 (Kevin Sousa/CFL.ca)
For the Argos and their quarterback Chad Kelly, the best Christmas gift would be a DeLorean equipped with an operable flux capacitor. The destination? June, 2024. It’s a team that went “thud” at the end of an incredible 2023 season and the best thing that can happen to the Boatmen would be to have the games of 2024 come around as soon as possible, allowing them to put last season’s Eastern Final well behind them. And with the departure of Corey Mace on their plate, a fab defensive coordinator in their stocking seems like a great gift.
One more thing: Kurleigh Gittens Jr. back at full and productive strength.
CALGARY STAMPEDERS
For the Stamps, and indeed for all fans of the CFL, Santa can give the gift of a fully realized slinger in quarterback Jake Maier. The promise of 2022 was not fully realized in 2023. There were flashes here and there but there was also some tire-spinning. Some of that had to do with a receivers’ injury list that punctured those tires, for sure, but a fair number of critics pointed at Maier himself. Including Maier. Now bring us a figgy pudding, Santa. And by “figgy pudding” I mean a fun-to-watch Stampeders’ air attack.
One more thing: After so many off-seasons of teams pilfering Calgary’s established stars, how about traffic flowing the other way this winter?
HAMILTON TIGER-CATS
Quarterback consistency is the Fidget Spinner of 2023. Or the Fingerling, whatever the hell that is or was. Or the Pokemon, I dunno. Whatever it is that has been crazily popular with the kids over the years, this is what quarterback consistency is for Christmas 2023. So much so that Santa took the extraordinary step of re-assigning fully one-third of his North Pole elfin workforce to the task, hastily re-tooling the long dormant and enormous Cabbage Patch Kids facility in order to meet the demand.
For the Ticats, it’s a healthy Bo Levi Mitchell that suits them, one who’s on the same page as new head coach Scott Milanovich, ready to cook like his good ol’ days in Calgary.
One more thing: At long last, a Grey Cup for Ted Laurent.
SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
Everybody seems to think Christmas came early for the Roughriders when they hired Corey Mace as their head coach, so I guess they don’t get anything else.
One more thing: No. No, there is no “one more thing.” Christmas came early, we already went over this. Santa already dropped in on Mosaic Stadium on November 29 when a new head coach leapt out of the sleigh. Is Santa supposed to make a second trip now? (Psssst: Santa will make a second trip to Mosaic because of course he will. Maybe he can slip a fully-recovered Trevor Harris, ready for his best season ever as he glides through the twilight of his career, under the tree.)
EDMONTON ELKS
Having Eugene Lewis factor into their offence in a bigger way would be a tremendous gift for the Elks in 2024 (GoElks.com)
Easy peasy. For the Elks, a winning season in what will be their 75th campaign as a franchise. Formerly the evilest of evil empires, Edmonton spent the large part of the last three seasons as the wet, shivering puppies of the CFL. Instead of loathing them for their success, fans everywhere seemed to want to wrap them in a towel and bring them in from the rain. No team needs that as their calling card. A season of lowered antlers and hard-charging victories would be the best gift for Edmonton.
One more thing: A magical, yards-chomping, chunk play chemistry between Tre Ford and Geno Lewis.
OTTAWA REDBLACKS
What do the Ottawa REDBLACKS need most? What have they needed the most over the last two seasons? Quarterback stability (Elf in the re-tooled Cabbage Patch facility reads this and flips over a table). That’s what Santa needs to drop down the chimney this Christmas. Whoever that quarterback is — Jeremiah Masoli, Dustin Crum, a sugar plum free agent — the REDBLACKS deserve the gift of health and prosperity at the position. Santa has recently seen fit to deliver lumps of coal when it comes to Ottawa quarterback health, showing off a rarely-seen sadistic side of the jolly old elf.
One more thing: DeVonte Dedmon, back to his terrorizing ways.
These are the CFL gifts that’ll brighten the holidays and the season ahead, Santa. For me, personally, I’d like a ride in that DeLorean with the Argos so I can get immediately to opening weekend. And also I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.
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