Dear Rabbi Ingram.  I spoke lashon ha-ra  to a friend about my rabbi about two months ago. I don’t know what got into me as I like my rabbi and he is always pleasant and helpful to me when I ask him questions as I do constantly.  It’s been eating away at me, and I feel I must ask his forgiveness.  I thought I’d wait until Erev Yom Kippur when it will be easier but perhaps I should do it right away?  Hoping for your guidance please.   Melissa K.

Thank you for putting your trust in me to answer your question even though I am not your rabbi!

You are making a big assumption. You are assuming that you have to ask his forgiveness at all!

You say: “I like my rabbi and he is always pleasant and helpful to me when I ask him questions as I do constantly” You also say that the lashon ha-ra occurred “about two months ago”.  I would assume that you have spoken to him since then and his attitude towards you has presumably not changed.  Therefore, even in the extremely unlikely event that the bad words you spoke made their way back to him, he has already forgiven you!

Most are aware that not only lashon ha-ra but also rekhilut (tattling to X that Y spoke lashon ha-ra about him) are things the Torah frowns upon.  Therefore, it is hard to imagine your friend (or anyone to whom she may have conveyed your sentiments) leaking your words to, of all people, the rabbi, guardian of the Torah! In that extremely unlikely event, he would, if he were anything like me, be far more upset with the tattler than with you!

I can tell you that only twice in my memory has anyone reported to me negative words that someone else had allegedly spoken about me.  I am not so naïve as to believe, in my almost fifty years in the rabbinate, that next to no-one has badmouthed me! Truth to tell, I don’t worry about it! Thank G-D, I have other more positive matters with which to concern myself!

There was one exception. That was when, many years ago, somebody came up to me on Erev Yom Kippur as I was about to commence Kol Nidrei and whispered: “Please, I want to ask your mechila (forgiveness).  I spoke lashon ha-ra about you!” Well, I smiled nicely at him and said “I am mochel you” but I am not sure I did forgive him at that moment. My problem with him was not that he had spoken lashon ha-ra about me.  But why did he have to tell me? and unsettle me for nothing? and just before Kol Nidrei! I would have been none the wiser and therefore have had nothing to forgive him for!

I am certain that the person in question ‘confessed’ to me simply to assuage his conscience. If he had thought about it a little more, he would have realised it certainly wasn’t for my benefit!

So, Melissa, be honest with yourself and ask yourself: are you desperate to fess up to your rabbi just in order to assuage your guilt? Because it is likely that your confession will unsettle him, at least momentarily, and it won’t have achieved any benefit as he evidently hasn’t fallen out with you.

So how should you make amends?   

Well, you have already regretted your words.  Confess your indiscretion to the One who knows all secrets, now, and again on Yom Kippur.  Resolve not to repeat your lapse. Tell the friend to whom you spoke the lashon ha-ra (if you haven’t yet done so) that what you said was incorrect, misguided or plain rubbish, and to disregard it. And when the opportunity arises, sing your rabbi’s praises to others (but not to someone who dislikes him! ????)!

 You may also want to set aside times to learn the laws of lashon ha-ra (in “Guard Your Tongue” or some similar book) either by yourself or with a friend. Ensure you don’t join in conversations or mix in circles where harmful or even idle gossip is rife.

And continue to ask great questions of your rabbi!  That’s a surefire way of ensuring he continues to like you!

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)