Big news out of the gold-plated rococo tower of bullshit known as Trumpworld: Donald Trump is announcing his VP selection on Monday! Yes, these are exciting days as we wait to find out who will be hand-picked by our former president/current felon/adjudicated rapist! The contenders for the post have been auditioning for months, appearing on cable news networks and campaigning with the former president, all the while working up enough saliva to hawk tuah all over Trump’s putter.

The list of finalists reads like a who’s who of Trump sycophancy, minus Lindsey Graham who, unfortunately, cannot be considered for the position due to a tragic medical condition which prevents him from getting up off his knees.

Let’s take a quick look at what we think is the short list.

There’s Senator Marco Rubio, who ran against Trump in 2016 and has the distinction of making the first small dick joke in presidential debating history, prompting Trump to “guarantee” that there was “no problem” with his genitalia. Trump has not made any similar guarantees regarding his brain. In the past, Marco has called Trump a “con man,” “vulgar,” and referred to his rallies as “frightening, grotesque and disturbing.”

All of that changed, of course, once Trump won the nomination. Since then, Rubio has done everything in his power to debase himself before Mighty Trump, more than justifying Trump’s withering sobriquet “Little Marco.” A man who will sacrifice his dignity just for the chance to get kicked in the nuts is exactly the sort of man we need as VP. A great choice!

Also on the shortlist: Ohio senator J.D. Vance, who first came to national prominence as the man who best able to articulate white rage, as he did in his memoir Hillbilly Elegy. That J.D. Vance presented himself as a compassionate defender of the forgotten white rural underclass. No wonder a brash New York gameshow host rubbed him the wrong way. “My God, what an idiot,” J.D. once tweeted about Trump.

So, naturally, Vance reinvented himself as the trumpiest of Trumpists once he put sniffed the wind and realized the scent coming back was emanating from Trump’s adult........

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