The jury in former President Donald Trump’s New York hush money trial will soon be officially released to deliberate. They will be expected to consider boring things—like “34 counts of falsifying business records” and whatever a “Class-E Felony” is (it’s not a class-Y felony what with all the porn, amiright folks? I am so sorry for typing that).

But me? I can consider anything I want. Because while Donald Trump may have slept through the vast majority of his felony court case, I did not.

So here are the parts of the trial that may not be important to the jury, but I will never stop thinking about:

The prosecution’s first witness was the former publisher of the National Enquirer, David Pecker. And I’ll say it—that’s just a little too on-the-nose. It’s like in the olden times where they named you after your profession. Make good cakes? Your name is Baker. Super into forging things out of iron? We’ll call you Smith. Spend your career buying up sex scandal stories to help Donald Trump get elected and then talk about it on the witness stand? Thank you for your service, Mr. Pecker.

Donald Trump watches as David Pecker testifies during Trump's criminal trial on charges that he falsified business records to conceal money paid to silence porn star Stormy Daniels in 2016, in Manhattan state court in New York City on April 25, 2024.

According to her testimony, the former president referred to adult film star Stormy Daniels as “Honey Bunch.” Really,........

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