The concept of emotional needs is derived from a misunderstanding of Abraham Maslow’s theory of motivation, known as the “Hierarchy of Needs.” (I think today he would call it the “Hierarchy of Motivation,” given how the term “emotional needs” has been abused.) First published in 1943, Maslow’s original hierarchy begins with the most fundamental of motivations (eating, sleeping, excreting, and so on) and culminates with self-actualization—growing to achieve one’s fullest potential.

Maslow later criticized his own concept of self-actualization, adding a new top layer to the hierarchy, which he called self-transcendence. In this new version, he argued that we only find actualization by giving ourselves to some higher goal outside the self, in altruism and spirituality. His concept of transcendence echoes the call from ancient religious and spiritual sources to “find yourself by losing yourself.”

It’s important to note that Maslow’s hierarchy was, in large part, a developmental theory—that is, a description of the differential importance of various motivations as children develop into adults and adults grow to their fullest potential.

There is no question that young children have emotional needs in the development of a stable and cohesive sense of self and need help from adults to do so. It’s also true that toddlers cannot distinguish wanting something from needing it, which is why they can become hurt or tantrum-prone when we say “no” to something........

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