In moments of conflict, tensions run high, we say things we don’t mean, and we act in ways that escalate the conflict, without necessarily meaning to. In trying to get our point across and be heard, we often miss out on something crucial—that’s all the other person wants, too.

They want to be heard, understood, and validated. They want to know that their emotions matter and that their perspective is respected, if not agreed with.

Research published in Frontiers in Psychology examined how one can bring about such “extrinsic emotional regulation”—managing and regulating the emotions of others in a conflict. In addition to keeping your own temper and emotional reactivity in check, doing this can quickly de-escalate and leave your relationship in a much better place than before.

Researchers found that the key to this lies in “empathic paraphrasing.” This is a communication technique where the listener restates what the speaker has said in their own words, while also reflecting the speaker’s emotions and underlying concerns. This demonstrates that you have not only heard them out but acknowledged their emotional experience.

In fact, researchers found that participants recalling a recent conflict they experienced reported feeling less negative and lowering their voices after hearing the interviewer paraphrase what they had said.

Here are two ways to practice........

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