Across cultures, people’s actual friendships generally reflected the qualities they valued most.

Our real friendships rarely align perfectly with our ideals.

Those with higher Dark Triad traits tended to have friendships that matched their ideals less closely.

Imagine, for a moment, what an ideal friend might look like for you. Are they someone who might provide support when we’re struggling? A companion for life’s adventures? Or maybe a sought-after connection that can help us achieve personal or professional goals? Now consider your current friends. How do they match up?

Researchers who explored just this question—how our current friends match our ideals—surveyed more than 6,000 adults across 12 countries, from China to Greece to India, asking revealing questions: “What kind of friends would you ideally like to have?” and “What are your actual friends like?” Participants rated 15 friendship qualities across five dimensions: support, compatibility, trustworthiness, opportunities for social engagement, and instrumental value (traits that can help with life goals or social advancement).

The Qualities We Value Most

The findings show that, across cultures, people’s actual friendships generally reflected the qualities they valued most: Those who prioritized emotional support tended to have friends who were reliable and caring; those who sought social connection had friends who shared such interests. In other words, people are generally effective at attracting friends who meet their desires.

While these results are encouraging, the study also revealed a small gap: Our real friendships rarely align perfectly with our ideals. On average, people reported slightly less of what they wanted in their friends. While the difference was only 5 percent based on the rating scales, it was consistent across cultures and friendship dimensions, suggesting that across cultures, having social ties often requires slight trade-offs. Perhaps we compromise on certain qualities to maintain relationships, or maybe the people we encounter are not perfectly aligned with our ideals.

Interestingly, the research also found that personality plays a role: Individuals with higher levels of “Dark Triad” traits, such as narcissism or Machiavellianism, tended to have friendships that matched their ideals less closely. This may be because certain personality patterns like manipulation, self-interest, or dishonesty can interfere with forming and maintaining mutually satisfying relationships.

What does this research mean for everyday life? First, it’s reassuring: Most of us do find friends who share our values and support us in meaningful ways. But, it also reminds us to reflect on what we truly want in friendships and to seek relationships consciously, rather than settling out of convenience. Additionally, understanding how our own personality traits and behaviors influence our friendships can help us strengthen existing bonds and form new ones that better match our ideals.

Apostolou, M., Sullman, M., Ayers, J. D., Błachnio, A., Choubisa, R., Gadelrab, H. F., Hill, T., Kamble, S., Lisun, Y., Manrique-Millones, D., Millones-Rivalles, R., Ohtsubo, Y., Przepiórka, A., Tekeş, B., Vera Cruz, G., Wang, Y., Watanabe, Y., Ghorbani, A., & Shahrour, G. (2026). Do people get the friends they want? A cross-cultural investigation. International Journal of Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1002/ijop.70198

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