The Challenges of Infidelity

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a therapist near me

The unfaithful spouse often feels guilty about their affair, but also guilty and conflicted about ending it.

Ceasing contact with the affair partner is necessary to repair the marriage and help guard against relapse.

People who can't let go of the affair attachment after it’s over are often fueling it in their minds.

The wording of a goodbye message often has “tells” that forecast a predictable path of what happens next.

Temptation mixed with opportunity is a recipe for cheating, especially during difficult or lonely times in a marriage (Hackathorn, J., and Ashdown, B. K., 2022), including the aftermath of an affair.

When cheating is suddenly exposed, internal conflict, fear of loss, and the pressure of a spouse’s anger can compound the lure that led to infidelity in the first place—making it more difficult to let go. Ending the affair and all contact is an essential gesture to demonstrate commitment to one’s marriage and guard against relapse. This is not the time to rely on good intentions and discipline. Taking steps to remove temptation and close the door securely protects the unfaithful spouse from recycling through continued secret contact during this vulnerable transition.

Though often overlooked or underestimated, opportunity is a risk factor in the incidence of affairs, posing the most danger when people fail to:

Accurately assess or acknowledge their vulnerability

Consciously register the affair partner’s intentions

Make an explicit decision, with a plan, to protect themselves

Often, the unfaithful spouse not only feels guilty about having had an affair, but torn and guilty about ending it. Consequently, during the goodbye process, they may unconsciously or consciously give the affair partner mixed signals - as in the message below, written by Michael after his affair was exposed.

Certain Goodbye Texts Actually Encourage the Affair

Dear Jane, I’m sorry, but right now I can’t see you anymore. The worst has happened. My wife found out about us and forbade me from having any more contact with you. I wish things could be different and that you and I could be together. I hope you can understand. For my kids, I have to see if my marriage can work. I know I can’t ask you to wait for me, but who knows what the future will bring. I will always love you and will hold you in my heart. If you want to talk, I can try to make that happen so we can say goodbye in person. Love always ❤️Michael

Failing to shift allegiances and align himself with his wife, Michael fell into the usual traps:

He blamed his wife instead of owning his decision

He communicated longing and ambivalence

He fueled the attachment.

These mistakes, at a critical time, not only risked Michael’s chances of repairing the marriage but also unfairly led Jane on, making it harder for her to let go and recover. Jane predictably looked for signs of hope and got validation of her wish that this message didn’t really mean goodbye.

Translation: Reading between the lines

Can’t: Implies it’s not his decisionRight now: Implies hope for the futureThe worst has happened: Reinforces that the decision isn’t what he wantsMy wife forbade: Blames his wife, disowning his decision I wish: Reinforces longing and desireFor my kids: Fails to state explicit allegiance to his wife Wait for me: Who knows what the future holds? He offers hopeI will always love you: Feeds the attachment Talk in person: Opens the door to temptation and is likely to act out again

In-Person Goodbyes: The Myth of Closure

In ending an affair, the unfaithful spouse often suffers grief, feelings of loss, and preoccupation with the affair partner. These feelings may need to be processed in the context of therapy, where the function and meaning of the affair can be understood, rather than acted upon. Successful endings of affairs typically do not involve processing feelings with the affair partner, which intensifies attachments and leads to re-engagement. If there is something else to be said, it should be with the spouse’s full awareness and consent.

The Challenges of Infidelity

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a therapist near me

The goal of the final communication with the affair partner is to break the cycle of temptation and opportunity by demonstrating a shift in allegiance to one’s spouse, and dispel hope that the affair can resume.

A simple “Dear John or Jane” text or email is indicated, and should be done with full transparency with one’s spouse. The essential message should be that the affair partner is unwelcome now and that any future attempts to communicate will not get a response. Since this is the point of the message, there is no way to spare Jane from feeling rejected without sabotaging the purpose of the communication.

Effective Goodbye Texts Limit Opportunity

Dear Jane, I have made a decision. I want to be with my wife and family. I no longer want to continue our relationship and will not keep any secrets from my wife. Everything is out in the open. I realize now that I used poor judgment in getting involved like this in the first place. I’m sorry for that. I plan to get help to understand how I could betray my own values and my family. I understand this is abrupt. But we both knew the risks we were taking. Please respect my decision to no longer have any contact. I will no longer read or respond to emails, texts, calls, or other attempts to communicate with me.Paul

Here, Paul anticipates what might happen, sets a firm boundary, discourages further reconnection, and paves the way for a clearing for him and his wife.

Many marriages shattered by affairs, with help, can be repaired and emerge stronger. However, this is contingent on whether the unfaithful spouse can let go of the attachment to the affair partner and be present in the marriage. Notwithstanding, after contact is cut off, longing and attachment to the affair partner are often secretly perpetuated through fantasy and reminiscing. Fantasy provides the fuel for affairs and makes it difficult to let go.

Swept away by the addictive, intoxicating power of the “rush,” romantic fantasy and infatuation are confused with the complexity of intimate relationships and real life. Denying that one is caught in a fantasy further fuels the problem.

Predicting and planning for risky situations reduces opportunity and temptation. This is the way to protect oneself from losing control and being overtaken by instinct. Defensive strategizing involves being wise to oneself, making intentional decisions to set clear boundaries and limits, and distancing from risky behaviors and situations. Alternatively, denying risk, avoiding thoughtful consideration of what’s at stake, minimizing small boundary infractions, and or overestimating one’s resolve all set the stage for an eventual crash and the possibility of losing it all.

Hackathorn, J., & Ashdown, B. K. (2022). It’s not you, it’s us: Relationship-based factors that predict infidelity. In T. DeLecce & T. K. Shackelford (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Infidelity (pp. 101–120). Oxford University Press.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today