Negative beliefs about rejection can be barriers to making connections.

Repeated interactions, even small ones, are key to building lasting relationships.

Practicing social skills can reduce anxiety and build confidence.

How did my best friend become my best friend? About 35 years ago, we met at a small meeting of moms who had a special-needs child. We made plans to get our kids together, and while they played, we talked. Turned out we had a lot in common. One of us—I forget who—suggested we take a walk with the kids the following weekend. Afterward, she and I decided to plan a walk without the kids. Pretty soon, we decided to make walking together part of our routine, every other week. At some point, we started walking together once a week and have done so ever since.

This experience illustrates how you can meet someone, find you have interests in common, and learn you are compatible. But that’s not enough. If you want to establish a relationship, one of you has to take the initiative to extend an invitation and keep extending invitations if the other fails to do so. If you want a close relationship, consider adding this person to your daily, weekly, or monthly routine, whether that’s in person or via text, FaceTime, Zoom, or phone.

If you want to cultivate a relationship with a potential friend, you’re not alone. Many adults want to expand their social circles or deepen their relationships—or both. And according to a recent Pew Research Center survey, a significant number of adults in the United States feel lonely. You may or may not know how and where to meet people or how to change acquaintances into friends. Even if you do have this information, your negative thinking can get in the way.

Practical barriers to making new friends increased with the rise of social media and online streaming and intensified with the COVID-19 pandemic. Many people decreased the amount of time they spent hanging out in public gathering spaces like coffee shops, bars, and parks—places where they could talk to acquaintances or interact with strangers. While many people are quite connected to others online, virtual connections can often be superficial. As a result, they may never have really gained an adequate level of in-person social skills, like initiating or deepening conversations to increase their sense of emotional connectedness to others.

Real-Life Examples: Why Many Adults Struggle to Make Friends

Maria had a psychological barrier to making new friends. She believed, “I should wait for others to initiate social plans,” and “If someone doesn’t initiate social plans, it means they’re not interested in socializing with me.” She didn’t recognize that there could be alternative explanations: Maybe her acquaintances had the same beliefs as she had, or maybe their schedules were too busy or their lives too stressful. I encouraged Maria to do some experiments. We developed a short list of people she wanted to interact with, and we discussed what kinds of social plans she could propose. After a discussion, she concluded that if someone on the list didn’t welcome her invitations, it didn’t necessarily mean anything negative about Maria; maybe one of the alternative explanations was valid. In any case, she could just move on to the next person on the list.

Matt’s problem was his perception of himself as a boring person. “I just don’t have much to offer other people. There’s nothing interesting about me,” he revealed. This belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He engaged in both overt and subtle avoidance for fear that others would find him lacking. For example, when he was in a social group, he tended to avoid initiating conversations. When others began conversations with him, he tended to give minimal answers to their questions and failed to ask them questions or contribute much to a discussion. I helped Matt understand that his behavior might have been giving people the impression that he wasn’t interested in talking to them. He and I did quite a few roleplays so he could practice answering questions robustly, asking questions of others, and prolonging conversations.

Harper had really enjoyed getting together with friends before COVID limited her in-person contact. Feeling quite anxious about becoming ill, she continued to avoid social gatherings long after most people had resumed their pre-COVID activities. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she revealed. “I know it’s probably safe to meet one-on-one or go to parties, but I just don’t feel comfortable.” Part of her difficulty was her fear of getting COVID and incurring the worst possible consequences. Examining the likelihood of experiencing these consequences and discussing how she could cope if they did happen reduced her anxiety, along with recognizing the most likely outcomes. But another part was her sense that she was out of practice socially. “I think I’ve forgotten how to make small talk, how to make conversations last.” Practicing conversations in session, and then with her most trusted friend, further reduced her anxiety and allowed her to re-enter the social world.

Practical Tips for Building and Strengthening Adult Friendships

Get involved in activities where you can meet other people.

Take the initiative in starting conversations.

If your social skills are rusty, make a list in advance of things you might say.

If you’re anxious, ask a chatbot to take the lead in initiating and prolonging a conversation with you. Then switch roles.

Identify any negative thoughts or predictions about initiating a conversation or suggesting a social plan. Ask yourself, “If this prediction came true, how could I cope?” And “What is the most likely outcome?”

Write out a list of advantages and disadvantages of initiating versus the advantages and disadvantages of not initiating.

Taking Small Steps to Build Meaningful Connections

Adult friendships rarely happen by accident. They often require intention, initiative, and mutual effort. You may experience practical barriers—such as limited opportunities to meet people—or psychological barriers—such as negative predictions about how others will respond. By initiating conversations, extending invitations, and questioning unhelpful beliefs, you can create opportunities for connection that might not otherwise develop.

Friendships grow through shared experiences and repeated interactions—just as a simple walk many years ago grew into a lasting bond.

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