Anna was trying real hard to make this relationship work. Maybe Roy would be different from the others. He seemed to appreciate her numerous compliments and thoughtful gifts. He seemed pleased to receive her frequent calls and sexual invitations.

But then she saw him on the phone again, smiling and laughing as he talked to his boss, Margaret. Was that really about work or was he flirting? Was Margaret plotting to take him away from her? Anna felt those ugly past feelings of jealousy engulfing her again. Her anger mounted. She hated Margaret, whom she hardly knew. And her trust in Roy was fading. The accusations, threats, and crying were coming. She feared she would end up alone again.

Like many suffering from borderline personality disorder, Anna was experiencing the push-pull features that often factor into romantic relations. Desperate fears of abandonment and tendencies to alternately idolize then demonize their partners can sabotage the consistency of romantic relationships with borderline individuals. Patterns of excessive enthrallment and adoration alternate with periods of demands and devaluation. Both contradictory behaviors reflect desperate attempts to hold onto the connection.

Few studies have closely evaluated the dynamics of maintaining borderline relationships, but a recent paper1 has examined this area. The authors studied mate retention behavior (MRB) in heterosexual couples—one or both of whom exhibited features of BPD—who had remained in a relationship for at least six months. (Individuals who were recruited and paid to participate in the research were not formally diagnosed with BPD utilizing the categorical DSM-5-TR criteria but satisfied the dimensional Five Factor model of personality and exhibited primary borderline behaviors.) The study revealed that those partners with more severe BPD traits demonstrated greater suspicious jealousy. In response to distrustful jealousy, the study looked at two primary representations of MRB: benefit-providing behavior (expressing support, admiration, and affection with intent to positively affect the partner’s sense of well-being); and cost-inflicting behavior (criticism, threats, aggressiveness, emotional or physical abuse, intending hurtful, manipulative impact). Although both behaviors were exhibited during crises involving jealousy, individuals with more severe BPD traits, both men and women, tended to display more cost-inflicting behaviors, which, naturally, were more detrimental to the relationship.

This study examines how borderline personality communication dynamics confronting insecure jealousy affect maintenance in romantic relations. Consistent, dependable relationships are important for most people experiencing a healthy lifestyle. A pattern of inconsistent and unstable relationships is a defining feature of BPD, and the development of healthy, trusting connections should be a primary goal of treatment and a stimulus for further research.

References

1. Zeigler-Hill, V., & Vonk, J. Borderline Personality Features and Mate Retention Behaviors: The Mediating Roles of Suspicious and Reactive Jealousy. Sexes 2023, 4(4), 507-521;

https://doi.org/10.3390/sexes4040033