This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.
We now so well understand how toxic stress in the first 18 years of life can wound the heart. Gratefully, we are now clearer on pathways for adults to restore wholeness and the peace and joy that’s been lost.
Let’s assume you’ve already found considerable relief in acknowledging your hurts and applying some combination of self- or professionally managed skills (Schiraldi 2021)—yet you find that some pain still remains. This is not unusual. This article discusses ways to address some common sticking points in the recovery process. The goal is to turn painful experience to heartfelt peace—greater wisdom, compassion, and joy. This is a goal we all share.
It’s one thing to intellectually know that releasing lingering bitterness and resentment toward those who’ve hurt you is choosing to drop a heavy load. It’s quite another thing to forgive from the heart. You might try this.
Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote: “My own heart let me more have pity on; let me live to my sad self hereafter kind.” How curious it is that we see children as full of potential and look so kindly on their stumbling attempts to grow, while being so unkind to ourselves.
Each and every person is fallible, This means we are imperfect, incompletely developed, and prone to err. How you respond to your fallibility will largely determine your inner peace. You can learn to come to peace with your fallibility and to be kind to your imperfect self. Childhood adversities provide ample opportunity to cultivate a kind heart.
Has abuse, neglect, or other childhood adversity imprinted a sense of being inadequate, weak, broken, or worthless? Do you feel as if you don’t matter or deserve to be happy, and that you’ll never feel whole?
Perhaps around others you feel like an imposter, trying to appear competent while inwardly doubting yourself and fearing that you’ll be exposed for being weak. You might mask your sense of inadequacy by overachieving and presenting a facade of confidence. However, the feeling of not being enough persists no matter how often you succeed.
John Eldredge (2021) writes that his father’s alcoholism left him feeling orphaned and inadequate: “I realized I was so furious about feeling all alone in a world that constantly demanded more of me than I felt able to give.” To survive, he too put on the imposter’s mask, until he learned a kinder way to cope with his sense of inadequacy. These steps might help you along the path to being kind to yourself:
Part of the imposter syndrome is worrying about what others are thinking about you—until you realize that they’re not! They are more likely worrying about their own imperfections. Focus on doing your best, and accept the outcome. You’re unlikely to be judged harshly—by others or yourself— if you are earnestly trying your best. If others judge you, that’s too bad, but certainly not a catastrophe.
What instrument does your heart play? Life is full of suffering that can seem insurmountable. But you can chart a purposeful path that is more powerful than suffering. Meaning and purpose give you a reason to persist through suffering. You might commit to a full life that lifts yourself and others: Find a cause that makes the world a better place. Beautify your community or home. Grow inner strengths that are valued around the world, such as altruism and integrity. Build relationships that benefit you and others.
Mother Teresa said, “When we are judging we are not loving.” Many people harshly judge their mistakes and feel guilt long after they have changed course. Guilt teaches us to change behaviors that betray our best self. After guilt has led to constructive change, it has done its job. Let it go. Imagine an ocean separating you from your regrettable behaviors and the resulting guilt. Replace that guilt with healing love, gratitude for lessons learned, and confidence in your ability to improve.
No experiences need be wasted. Even painful ones can work to our good if they lead to a softer, more peaceful heart.
References
Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook: Heal the Hidden Wounds from Childhood Affecting Your Adult Mental and Physical Health. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Eldredge, J. (2021). Wild at Heart. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.
Gifting Yourself Peace After Childhood Adversity
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06.12.2023
This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.
We now so well understand how toxic stress in the first 18 years of life can wound the heart. Gratefully, we are now clearer on pathways for adults to restore wholeness and the peace and joy that’s been lost.
Let’s assume you’ve already found considerable relief in acknowledging your hurts and applying some combination of self- or professionally managed skills (Schiraldi 2021)—yet you find that some pain still remains. This is not unusual. This article discusses ways to address some common sticking points in the recovery process. The goal is to turn painful experience to heartfelt peace—greater wisdom, compassion, and joy. This is a goal we all share.
It’s one thing to intellectually know that releasing lingering bitterness and resentment toward those who’ve hurt you is choosing to drop a heavy load. It’s quite another thing to forgive from the heart. You might try this.
Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote: “My own heart let me more have pity on; let me live to my........
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