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Due to months of pain before and after knee surgery, Sam gained 50 pounds. His ice cream habit didn’t help. Sam’s wife, Sheryl, told him she was no longer physically attracted to him because he had gotten so large. Sheryl’s goal was for her message to motivate Sam to get healthy through exercise and eating less. But Sam took Sheryl’s statement as a threat to their marriage, believing she was thinking of leaving him and finding someone who could do more than five sit-ups. Although Sheryl repeatedly reassured Sam of her love and commitment, he was not convinced. He wondered how soon their marriage would end and what he would do afterward.

Misunderstanding Is More Common Than Understanding

Alan Sillars is a communication researcher who focuses on why and how people in close relationships interact and misunderstand each other. Sometimes misunderstanding is trivial or innocent and likely more easily solved. For example, Sillars (2014) has described two people interpreting plans for meeting up “next weekend” differently.

More problematic, though, is when misunderstanding of another person in a close relationship reflects greater complexity and difference. You might be surprised to learn that understanding one’s partner is often rarer than we realize. People may misunderstand some or all their partner’s perspective as much as 90% of the time (e.g., Sillars et al., 2000, 2005). This helps us appreciate why understanding is often so hard to achieve.

When Seeking Understanding Is Unsuccessful

First, it is important to keep in mind that direct communication with others in our lives does not always increase understanding. Communication is complex and often disorderly. So often people make immediate judgments that stick, even when they are wrong. Sam’s fear that his marriage was in jeopardy severely biased his interpretation of Sheryl’s intentions when discussing his weight gain, despite what seemed to her like clear statements that their marriage was safe.

Second, people are highly selective about the information they receive, largely due to the cognitive demands that important discussions require. This means we are less likely to be able to pay attention to all the information coming our way. Sillars and colleagues (2000) found that people might focus on the literal content of a message while their partner or family member focuses on the meaning of the communicative processes taking place. In our example, although Sheryl was adamant about her commitment to the marriage, Sam dwelled on what led her to make such a damning statement about his weight.

Third, the larger picture of misunderstanding can be found in how people frame communication with close others as they try to figure out what is happening in the current situation. This is especially important during conflict episodes, as people may not share a frame concerning what the conflict is about (see Sillars, 2014). People often use local frames, attempting to clarify the meaning behind their messages. That is what Sheryl did when she tried to stress her love and commitment, while obviously Sam did not share that frame. People may also rely on global frames, reflecting on the history of the relationship over time that they use to interpret a current scene. Sheryl may frame Sam’s response in how he has reacted to other conflicts (e.g., when she thought he was being taken advantage of by a friend or wasting time on video games). This frame may or may not reflect what the other person is trying to have us understand at present.

How to Manage Misunderstanding in Close Relationships

How best to respond when you and a close other misunderstand and disagree about something important? Consider these practical suggestions:

1. Realize that misunderstanding is normal in close relationships.

Although you might hope for understanding, it is not always the central concern when trying to communicate your point of view. As Sillars indicated, interaction goals drive one’s desire to communicate, and these goals often differ. For example, one person may have a goal to be seen as responsible or a great lover and this drives the discussion more than trying to understand the other person’s perspective. In simple terms, we should not be surprised when misunderstanding occurs with those in close relationships.

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2. Check yourself when attributing meanings to another person’s message or actions.

It is important to try to avoid being certain about the first conclusions you draw about the other. Watch for and help the other person avoid this as well. It is important to look for and acknowledge errors when making inferences about another person’s behavior. For instance, if Sheryl goes into the interaction expecting, from previous experience, Sam to be overly sensitive, she may misunderstand what he is trying to say. Be extra careful not to conclude that your partner has unchangeable faults, like a negative personality trait, that explain their behavior. The same goes for your behavior. Rather, listen carefully, ask questions, and stay open to changing perspectives of self and other.

3. Understand how goals for interacting with others motivate communication.

Make efforts to understand your own goals and those of the other that can lead to “motivated misunderstanding” (Sillars, 2014). Don’t be surprised when people’s goals differ. For instance, one person’s goal might reflect an instrumental (practical) objective (e.g., getting a partner to exercise), a relational desire (e.g., helping increase relationship stability), or an identity management purpose (e.g., to be seen as worthy of the partner’s affection). Interacting and finding where we agree and disagree regarding goals can give us a starting place to work toward understanding.

4. Evaluate the frames you use to make sense of your partner and self.

Pay attention to how conflict frames guide what we perceive a conflict is about and how we make sense of it. Sillars (2014) gives an example of a couple having conflict over finances. The husband may frame conflict over spending as facts—for instance, when they will run out of money each month. The wife may frame the conflict over the relationship—for instance, creating a comfortable home. Focus your attempt to navigate conflict as part of your relational story over time. A current conflict may reflect an ongoing theme, and you each have a unique version of your relational story.

Can Complete Understanding Occur?

No, it can’t. We never achieve 100% understanding. Is understanding always desirable? When you think about it, no, it isn’t. For instance, knowing that your partner thinks you are lazy or an obsessive workaholic can be insulting and face-threatening. The best we can hope for is to work toward clear communication, appreciate each other’s goals, and hold fast to the perception that both people agree on the important issues within the relationship.

Sillars, A. (2014). Motivated misunderstanding in family conflict discussions. In J. L. Smith, W. Ickes, J. A. Hall, & S. D. Hodges (Eds.), Managing interpersonal sensitivity: Knowing when—and when not—to understand others (pp. 193–213). Novinka/Nova Science Publishers.

Sillars, A., Koerner, A., & Fitzpatrick, M. A. (2005). Communication and understanding in parent-adolescent relationships. Human Communication Research, 31, 102-128.

Sillars, A., Roberts, L.J., Leonard, K. E., & Dun, T., (2000). Cognition during marital conflict: The relationship of thought and talk. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 479-502.

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