This post is part two in a series. Find part one here.
Twin closeness is inevitable. I have said frequently that twins are born married. Sharing psychological and physical closeness, they measure themselves against one another as a way of establishing similarities and differences—thereby establishing their unique identities. Competition between the pair is built into how they function in the world. The more self-assured twin has fewer issues being away from his or her twin and following their own ideas. Ironically, being different than your twin is healthy but contributes to fighting, which can get very out of control. In all truth, being a twin is difficult and psychologically confusing, even though a lot of people long to be a twin. Most twins whom I consult with admit that at times they wish they were not a twin.
Parents and others who meet with twins compare who is calmer, smarter, prettier, physically stronger, more popular, and more outgoing, to list a few points of comparison that unknowingly begins the competition of every twinship. Parents are responsible for helping their twins see themselves as different and respecting their differences. A sense of individuality and uniqueness helps twins let go of their tendency to fight and compete. Motivation to learn and develop a sense of self and social identity helps language development and minimizes separation anxiety. With a clear sense of self, twins can be involved in their own activities and with their own friends. Overall, a positive self-esteem is strengthened alongside unique identity as twins learn how to get along without each other. Of course getting along with each other is also optimal.
Often, twins do not want to be separated because they are used to doing creative activities, playing games, and playing with friends together. Encouragement to try to do new things without your twin is important, as it will reduce competition and fighting. Separation is the only way to let twins work on pursuing their own interests, so parents need to be very active in finding unique activities and friends for each child. Individual interests will develop and become very important to each of your children, if you help them to find those interests. Competition will be reduced and a more profound closeness between the twins will develop based on new ideas they learn from their twin. For example, my twin M. was a rhetorical writing professor at Stanford University for 27 years. Finding my approach to writing too intellectual, she helped me develop my writing style, which has helped my career.
I have talked to so many twins who are ashamed that they cannot get along. I am among the twins who fight intensely with their twin. I have had serious and unreasonable fights, from what my twin M. should wear to my wedding to what I should major in at college. Boyfriend or girlfriend choices are also a critical point of contention. Disagreements have helped me to learn that all twins fight. I am a normal twin because I want to be myself and I compete with my twin sister. And of course competition is always an issue. Our “senior” fights revolve around who wrote the most books and our finances. It is clear that M. has more money, but I have more graduate degrees and have written more books. We need not fight about these details.
Here are some perspectives and suggestions that can limit fighting with your twin:
1. It is normal to fight with your twin, even if outsiders cannot understand. Do not be ashamed of yourself.
2. While twin estrangement is common because of deep differences of opinion, try to understand your twin’s point of view and have compassion for his or her concerns that are related to you. It will help with positive communication and harmony.
3. Anger and hopelessness will be resolved over time.
4. It is mentally healthy to live different lives.
5. Stop longing for your childhood relationship of closeness and sharing, as you are an adult and can solve your own problems.
Twin fighting is normal and inevitable, and often it's even helpful. But enough is enough. Clearly understand that twin fighting is rooted in the need of each twin to be “right” and perhaps "the best" in some situations. But arguing over the right way to do something can lead to deep rifts and even estrangement, which leads to loneliness, confusion, and loss of support.
My hard won advice is to do the best you can getting along. If you can't work out the problem, then move on. Don't give into being ashamed or believing there is a resolution you have not considered.
Stategies to Stop Twin Fighting
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05.06.2024
This post is part two in a series. Find part one here.
Twin closeness is inevitable. I have said frequently that twins are born married. Sharing psychological and physical closeness, they measure themselves against one another as a way of establishing similarities and differences—thereby establishing their unique identities. Competition between the pair is built into how they function in the world. The more self-assured twin has fewer issues being away from his or her twin and following their own ideas. Ironically, being different than your twin is healthy but contributes to fighting, which can get very out of control. In all truth, being a twin is difficult and psychologically confusing, even though a lot of people long to be a twin. Most twins whom I consult with admit that at times they wish they were not a twin.
Parents and others who meet with twins compare who is calmer, smarter, prettier, physically stronger, more popular, and more outgoing, to list a few points of comparison that unknowingly begins the competition of every twinship. Parents are responsible for helping their twins see themselves as........
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