Came home the other night, flicked on the kitchen lights and found Donald Trump standing there. Just about needed the defib.

Not the actual Trump. A life-size, stand-up, full-color, cardboard Trump. Blue suit, double thumbs-up, grinning at me. Turns out pulling the Don bomb is a thing. Someone Don-bombed my buddy with it, so my buddy Don-bombed me with it. He said now I had to Don-bomb somebody else with it.

So I decided to Don-bomb the entire town.

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I wanted to try a social experiment. I wanted to see how people respond to Trump when no one’s around. Because I don’t think this election is about Joe Biden vs. Trump. I think it’s about Trump and only Trump, the most space-swallowing, ulcer-inducing, fire-starting colossus this country has ever seen.

I live in Sedona, Ariz., which is about as politically purple as a town can get. People are either vortex-worshiping or riding around in 4x4s with a gun rack in the window. We call it “Crystals and Pistols.”

I started by standing Trump up in front of the Safeway, right under the No Loitering sign. I sat in my Jeep 20 feet away and pretended to work on my phone.

The first guy to come along wore a speckled-gray ponytail, a sweat-stained ball cap and a black T-shirt. He looked about 50. He stared at the cutout, saw me and said, “Can I use that for target practice?”

Flat Donald was off to a good start.

Some people smirked at him. Some smiled. But 10 minutes into the experiment, a scowling Safeway employee snatched him and started back inside. I had to jump out of the Jeep and give chase. “Sir? Sir, that’s actually mine. It’s a social experiment.”

He shot me a sour look and handed it over: “We can’t have … that … on the property.”

I took it and left. I did not like the feeling of saving Trump from the compactor.

Next, I set him up in front of the town’s sole McDonald’s, reputedly the only one in the world with blue arches instead of yellow. (It’s a Sedona thing.) People trying to take photos of its blueness were not happy to see Trump in the shot. “You’re going to have to edit that out,” a woman said to her daughter.

I took His Orangeness up a mountain to one of Sedona’s scenic overlooks. It was dusk, and the setting sun was turning the magnificent red rocks purple. I positioned him facing the dozens of tourists taking in the view. A balding, 60-ish guy had his wife take his picture standing beside Cardboard Don, duplicating the double thumbs-up move.

“You’re a fan?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, beaming. “Just posted it to Instagram!”

A couple of minutes later, a........

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