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Okay. M.E.’s only instruction to me was to keep my father-of-the-bride toast under three minutes.

Under three minutes! These days I can barely get out of bed in under three minutes, let along sum up how I feel about my daughter on her wedding day with charm, grace and wit.

Maybe I should slip the DJ twenty bucks and tell him to start playing soft music if I run over my allotted time, like they do at the Oscars. Sure, because wedding DJs are known for playing soft music.

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I could start with a joke. The old Henny Youngman line, “The secret to a happy marriage … remains a secret.” Eh, funny, but it may not set the right tone for the evening. Or their marriage.

I need an........

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