Credit: Getty Images.

Okay. M.E.’s only instruction to me was to keep my father-of-the-bride toast under three minutes.

Under three minutes! These days I can barely get out of bed in under three minutes, let along sum up how I feel about my daughter on her wedding day with charm, grace and wit.

Maybe I should slip the DJ twenty bucks and tell him to start playing soft music if I run over my allotted time, like they do at the Oscars. Sure, because wedding DJs are known for playing soft music.

Article continues below this ad

I could start with a joke. The old Henny Youngman line, “The secret to a happy marriage … remains a secret.” Eh, funny, but it may not set the right tone for the evening. Or their marriage.

I need an idea.

I wonder if Chat GPT could come up with something good.

No, I can’t do it. I’m a professional writer. I can’t use artificial intelligence to write a toast to my daughter and new son-in-law. What’s wrong with me? I’m pathetic.

Article continues below this ad

Wait, I got it. “M.E. and Sam — theirs is a love story to rival Taylor Swift’s and Travis Kelce’s.” Now we’re cooking! Contemporary, hip reference, shows I’m down with the kids.

Okay, so, since that’s pretty much all I know about Taylor and Travis, where do I go from here?

Ummmmmm …

I’ll just say what’s in my heart. How much I love M.E. and how proud I am of her. How she used to run to the door and cry out “Dada!” every night when I came home from work. I’ll talk about all the books we read together and the many great tea parties we shared.

Article continues below this ad

Yeah, that’s good. I’m sure I can make it through at least two sentences before bawling uncontrollably. Embarrass my daughter on her wedding day. Yup, I can check that box. Perfect.

You know, on second thought, three minutes may be way too long for a father of the bride toast.

What if I really screw this up? Someone is bound to be recording me. The last thing I need is to have video of me fumbling through the biggest speech of my life posted all over social media. I can see it now: “Father of the Bride’s Epic Toast Fail.”I’ll be a freakin’ Tik Tok meme.

Overheard at the wedding reception: “M.E.’s father really blabbered through the toast. Do you think he’s starting to lose it?”

Article continues below this ad

“Sure sounded like it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts looking into assisted living places for him right after her honeymoon.”

Who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter what I say. I could be reading aloud the Declaration of Independence and chances are I’m going to be choking back tears. My grandfather was the same way. It’s a Sicilian thing.

My little girl is getting married. How is that possible? It’s all gone by so quickly, like … three minutes.

John Ficarra of New York City is a retired editor of MAD Magazine.

Article continues below this ad

QOSHE - First person: That blubbering sound you hear is the father of the bride - John Ficarra

account_circle info brightness_medium cancel view_agenda grid_view

expand_moreexpand_less

World

favourites

First person: That blubbering sound you hear is the father of the bride

John Ficarra

Times Union

0
11.02.2024

Credit: Getty Images.

Okay. M.E.’s only instruction to me was to keep my father-of-the-bride toast under three minutes.

Under three minutes! These days I can barely get out of bed in under three minutes, let along sum up how I feel about my daughter on her wedding day with charm, grace and wit.

Article continues below this ad

I could start with a joke. The old Henny Youngman line, “The secret to a happy marriage … remains a secret.” Eh, funny, but it may not set the right tone for the evening. Or their marriage.

I need an........

© Times Union

visit website

Categories

Sources

Popular

First person: That blubbering sound you hear is the father of the bride

John Ficarra

© Times Union