Courtesy of Yimnao

Everyone has a different answer to the question of whether boys and girls can be friends. Some will say that it is impossible because male-female friendships are predicated on one of the people secretly liking the other. Others will suggest that it is ridiculous to say gender gets in the way of friendship. And then there are groups that simply blame men and their untrustworthiness for the whole thing. There’s a whole range of answers. Most of which are informed by our own experiences, culture, and worldview.

What I have noticed is that the vast majority of my European students will say, “Of course men and women can be friends. I have many female/male friends. It is natural to be close to all kinds of people.” The majority of my Korean students, however, respond with a sharp intake of breath. A silence descends. They think that male and female friendships are not possible. There’s always the threat of romantic interest bubbling below the surface. Platonic relationships between people of the opposite gender are simply charades masking the eventual confession to come.

And, to be clear, not all Korean people think men and women can’t be friends. Nor do all Europeans think they can. It’s just that you are far more likely to receive that answer than the other if you ask them. Having heard these observations for the past decade or so when discussing love, gender and modern living, I nevertheless struggled for a few reasons as to why this cultural divergence might exist.

Religious foundations or modernization?

It might be easy to retreat to the religious and philosophical foundations of a culture when seeking answers. Confucianism (or Neo-Confucianism) places an emphasis on difference (“byul”) rather than equality or sameness. Men and women, to coexist, are meant to adopt different roles and positions if they are to create harmony: “bu-bu-you-byul.” According to Confucian ethics, boys and girls were to be separated from an early age (around six or seven) and then provided different education. While that doesn’t happen so formally today, there is still a glut of women’s universities here in Korea and the boys are........

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