Most of us have learned the hard way that when we try too hard to get our point across to someone in distress, our words can backfire. In highly charged, emotional situations, we’ve seen how caring strongly and even trying to be helpful can rub people the wrong way. We may mean well and listen closely, but somehow, the conversation goes awry.
Whether we’re listening to someone grieving a personal loss, anxious over upsetting news, disturbed about a global conflict, or angry over political outcomes, we try our best to be a supportive presence. And when it’s our turn to share our opinion or offer our input, we’re often caught in a polarizing situation that forces an either-or position rather than allowing our not-so categorical answer. What if our honest opinion doesn’t fit neatly into the anticipated “side” and we might add to the tension in the room by trying to explain something more complex? The last thing we want to do is to derail a hard conversation.
Many Americans are now completely avoiding political conversations with friends or colleagues as polarization has remarkably increased. A 2020 study from Brown University shows how political polarization among Americans has grown rapidly in the last 40 years — more than in Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia or Germany. “They found that in the U.S., affective polarization has increased more dramatically since the late 1970s than in the eight other countries they examined.”
The 2022 Reuters Institute report showed that 42% of Americans deliberately avoid the news some of the time. Fifteen percent said they completely disconnected from news coverage.
As a former rehabilitation counselor and grief support group facilitator who relies on tried-and-true communication practices, such as person-centered approaches, active listening skills, and a strengths-based understanding of others, I’ve witnessed how we can be a supportive presence for people in distress. These skills—and certainly active listening—can also be put to use when we find ourselves discussing political, social, or religious topics in these polarizing times. We all would like to be heard and given someone’s full attention. We can become active listeners by being attentive and not distracted with thinking about our own answers, or avoiding eye contact, being interrupted, or turning to our devices.
Many of us have learned and practiced strong listening skills and already know something about the technique of active listening. But even experienced listeners need to be mindful of particular behaviors that pose a barrier to allowing our empathy, attention, and compassion to be effective.
Boiling down certain off-putting behaviors that can strain any conversation, I’ve identified three things we’re often tempted to do—that all start with the letter “p.” These three habits can be summed up as being preachy, being pushy, and being presumptuous. It might be handy to remember these “3 p’s” when we’re feeling impatient, awkward, or frustrated in a difficult conversation. In short, we can watch out for these three mistakes.
Giving a “pep talk,” advice-giving, having the answers, and “fix-it” solutions tend to sound preachy to people in upsetting times. Offering platitudes such as “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “Be positive” when people are upset can feel like a sermon rather than a validation of their experience.
Instead, listen more deeply by exploring how their experience is affecting the person: “Can you tell me why this matters so much to you?” Or you can acknowledge their statement by observing, ”I can see this is really important to you.” When it comes to listening to someone’s strong opinions or feelings, there is usually a powerful personal story behind it. It helps to invite the person to share the motivating forces or values behind their reasons for their opinions, even if you disagree with their view.
In short, replace being preachy with deeper listening. Learn and stay open, rather than handing out tips, explanations, or solutions. People are starving to be heard. Receiving their message does not mean agreeing with their message.
So, without sounding too preachy myself, I believe we can learn from each other even if we strongly disagree. We can hold space for one another by listening even in polarizing times.
It's irritating when a person pushes and imposes their opinion on us without any sign of appreciation for our own. Essentially being pushy means forcing an outcome in the conversation and controlling the way people are participating. The “my way or the highway” attitude shows us how pushiness can actually push people away. Unfortunately, this aggressive stance is sometimes interpreted as a sign of strength and confidence. But telling others what to do comes across as bossy. Essentially, this is known as a “you message” (rather than an “I” message). For the receiver, a “you message” means that you need to change something about yourself that is wrong (your words, your behavior, your opinion, your attitude). People in distress can find this pushiness to be dismissive, disrespectful, and even blaming. It can inflame raw emotions.
In short, replace being pushy by avoiding “you messages” and demands. Aim to listen more deeply and withstand your temptation to tell someone what to do. Instead, offer to learn more about the person’s reasons for their opinion. Or, you might offer an “I” message such as “I have a strong opinion about that because I’ve seen how …”
Pushy: You should follow the news more often.
Better: How do you get your news?
Pushy: You ought to support the Palestinians more than you do.
Better: I’d like to hear more about how you view the Palestinian situation.
Examples: “I completely understand what you’re saying.” “I get it.” “You don’t need to keep explaining.” “I know what you think.”
People at the receiving end feel pegged, judged, or labeled. They might think, "How dare you assume you know my story?"
In short, being presumptuous can cut people off. Why should that person try to share their experience with you if you already know all about that experience? People shut down when they feel the projections and presumptions of others instead of genuine interest and open-mindedness.
Instead, you could say “Can you tell me more about what it’s like for you?” Or, “I’m interested—tell me more.”
It seems that the more we live inside our own bubbles (on our platforms, in our groups, on our feeds, on our screens) the more we presume truths about each other. Social media forces us to identify with brands, messages, and reactions through images, gestures, or certain (trigger) words. We’ve become conditioned to jumping to conclusions and it’s no surprise that we instantly make assumptions about one another in our conversations. We think we know everything about how that person ticks and we have that person pegged. But sadly, this presumptuous attitude diminishes our chances of understanding one another.
Breaking through the distrust and cynicism of these polarizing times all comes down to removing the barriers to effective listening. We can avoid being preachy, pushy, or presumptuous. This article from Linda Gallagher of the Municipal Research and Service Center in Seattle in this article sums this up:
"A starting point for building trust around polarizing subjects is to listen with respect, curiosity, and an open mind. This may happen in one-on-one conversations with members of the public or co-workers, or it could happen in larger group settings, such as public meetings or community gatherings."
And it could happen with anyone close to us who may hold a seriously different opinion than ours on a hot topic—one that we're afraid to touch on. But we could possibly venture into that uncharted domain if we are willing to stay open, listen, and learn.
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