There are countless views on whether pornography is good or bad, right or wrong, moral or immoral. In this article, it is not my intent to address, validate, or debunk any of those opinions. In fact, as a sex therapist, I have no value judgments whatsoever on the use of pornography. It is not my job to judge any adult’s individual sexual choices, as long as those choices are legal and not harming others. Rather, I seek here to address issues related to porn use and infidelity.

After nearly 30 years of counseling individuals and couples regarding sex and relationship troubles, I can tell you that one of the most common sources of contention in relationships surrounds the use of pornography. Often, conflict arises because a porn-using partner thinks their behavior does not count as cheating, while a non-porn-using partner thinks it does.

Often, the porn-using partner will argue that live, in-person sexual contact must take place before a behavior counts as cheating. To this end, they will say things like:

The non-porn user, of course, disagrees on all counts and feels betrayed.

Upon deeper examination, I nearly always find that relational strife concerning the use of porn........

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