If I had to write one treatment plan for the thousands of clients I've seen over the years, it would likely be to help them step up and be assertive. Assertiveness is about expressing your authentic self and is the golden middle in the range of communication—Goldilocks' "just right"—between those who angrily explode and those who say nothing at all.

For those who tend to be angry, assertiveness is about learning to not just spray their anger around the room but use it as information to let others know what they need. But more of the clients I've seen are like Kate; rather than exploding, they go to the other side and internalize their feelings. Strong emotions make them feel unsafe and anxious.

The topic doesn’t matter—for Kate, it’s about her work, but for you, it may be your partner’s seeming disinterest in your day. What’s important is the larger pattern—emotional wounds are inflicted that are being swept under the rug.

If you want to reach that middle ground, here are three suggestions to help you get started.

While anxiety is often driving those who explode—they feel flooded and overreact with anger—anxiety is always the culprit for those who internalize. Kate is getting stuck because she is instinctively........

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