In my almost 50 years of practice, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to see where couples get into trouble. Here’s a quick list of top skills and behaviors that can make the most difference.

Many couples come to therapy thinking that if they can just get the other guy to change—control his temper, be more affectionate or reliable—they’ll feel better and hope that counseling will make this happen. There are two reasons this never works: One is that both are usually trying to do this—get the other guy to change—at their home or in my office. These conversations quickly turn into arguments over whose reality is correct or a power struggle over who will win out.

The other reason is that instead of trying to change the other—who’s to blame—they need to think about changing the emotional climate of the relationship, working together to reduce the tension, and breaking those dysfunctional and destructive patterns. Rather than a you versus me stance, think of you and me working together to solve a problem.

Now that you’re a team, the next obvious step is putting the problem to rest; easier said than done. What many couples do instead is make up after an argument or go to their corners to cool off for a couple of days. But they never circle back to the problem they were arguing about. Why?

Because they don’t want to start another........

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