Battling over housework has to be one of the most common first-world problems that couples struggle over, whether it’s laundry, dishes, bathrooms, who does it, who doesn’t, or how it’s done. But like many couple issues, it’s usually more complicated than it seems. Here are the common underlying drivers that keep the problem alive.

Anna feels like she’s doing the heavy lifting; Marcus does the “outside” work, like mowing the grass and raking leaves. But Anna feels that she is putting in more time per week and is feeling resentful.

What does it mean to “clean” the kitchen or the bathroom or pick up the living room? Alex and Joe can go back and forth on this all day long. Usually, it’s tied to the different family cultures they each grew up with.

Here, it's not about the inside vs. outside work or the criteria for clean, but whose way will come out on top; it’s about power, power struggles, and winning. Often, these turn into blinking contests fueled by past resentments or innate stubbornness. They can be particularly destructive if they reach some emotional tipping point.

If it’s not about power, it may be related to the triggering of each partner’s emotional wounds—the classic example is being feeling dismissed vs. micromanaged—each fueling the other’s. Anna asks........

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