Here is a fact that may surprise you. When you grow up in a family that ignores, devalues, or eclipses your feelings, it damages your ability to feel loved as an adult.

I have seen it over and over and over again in my therapy office as I work with folks who grew up in emotionally neglectful families.

I see good, loving people with a lot to offer and much about them to love who are incapable of fully accepting and experiencing the love that naturally comes their way.

Childhood emotional neglect is, in fact, the silent killer of love. It undermines the feeling of love in a family in myriad invisible but powerful ways. It raises children who are emotionally restrained and disconnected from themselves and held back from becoming who they’re meant to be.

Growing up with your feelings ignored requires you, as a young child, to develop some special skills. You must learn how to hide your emotions—the deepest, most personal, biological expression of who you are—from your family.

Pretending you don’t have feelings is like pretending you have no right arm. To make them invisible, you must make sure you do not have them. And this comes at a great cost to you.

So, perfectly lovable people walk the Earth feeling unloved, and people drag their emotionally neglected spouses to couples therapy because they feel shut out. And none of it is OK.

1. You didn’t experience enough deep and personalized love as a child.

All children have a basic need to feel seen, known, and loved for who they really are. In an emotionally neglectful family,........

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