Navigating the complexities of romantic relationships can often feel like trying to decode a foreign language. What makes it even more confusing is that there are a lot of lay people and coaches offering dating advice that is well intentioned but often extremely simplistic and reductive of real human behavior.
There is no better example of this than the phrase, “He’s just not that into you.” While learning how to avoid people who are truly disinterested and wasting your time is something everyone wants to do, applying trite dating advice to complex behavior can often increase confusion and reduce the opportunities to make a connection.
One of the areas where this phrase fails the most is in trying to understand whether someone's distant behavior is due to simply not being interested or whether it is the result of the more complex pattern of an avoidant attachment style. Both situations can look remarkably similar on the surface, so learning to understand the nuances can help you decide whether you should keep investing your time and energy.
Here is a more psychologically grounded way to tell the difference:
It is estimated that almost 25 percent of the population has an avoidant attachment style. That’s a huge number of people, which means many of them are likely desirable partners in a lot of ways. Contrary to what you might hear on TikTok or Instagram, just because someone has an avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean they can’t be a good partner. People can develop healthier attachment styles over time if they are in a healthy relationship. Most individuals with an avoidant attachment style crave love and intimacy just like everyone else. but they tend to distance themselves emotionally from others because they have trouble processing emotions and tolerating vulnerability. As a result, they often choose independence and self-reliance over intimacy as a way to self-protect. But with a willingness to grow and a safe environment, many people with an avoidant attachment style are capable of being in loving relationships.
If you know what to look for, when someone is simply not that into you, their behavior is usually more transparent, albeit painful to accept. They may not invest time, effort, or emotional energy into the relationship because they don't see a future with you.
While avoidant attachment and lack of interest can both lead to distant behavior, there are subtle differences that can help you discern between the two:
1. Pattern Recognition:
2. Responses to Intimacy:
3. Reactions to Discussions About the Relationship
4. Body Language and Non-Verbal Cues:
If you suspect your partner has avoidant attachment:
If you believe they’re just not that into you:
Learning how to read people in a more nuanced way will help you make better connections and healthier relationship decisions that affect your emotional well-being. It may take more effort, but your awareness is key to finding the love you’re looking for.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love. New York, Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.
Are They Just Not Into You? Or Is it Avoidant Attachment?
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29.05.2024
Navigating the complexities of romantic relationships can often feel like trying to decode a foreign language. What makes it even more confusing is that there are a lot of lay people and coaches offering dating advice that is well intentioned but often extremely simplistic and reductive of real human behavior.
There is no better example of this than the phrase, “He’s just not that into you.” While learning how to avoid people who are truly disinterested and wasting your time is something everyone wants to do, applying trite dating advice to complex behavior can often increase confusion and reduce the opportunities to make a connection.
One of the areas where this phrase fails the most is in trying to understand whether someone's distant behavior is due to simply not being interested or whether it is the........
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