What Is Assertiveness?

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A rewarding conversation is not a lecture or monologue, but a mutual exchange of thoughts and opinions.

To be good conversationalists, shy or inhibited people need to learn how to share personal opinions.

Talking too much and talking too little can both lead to conversational failures.

Recently at a large social gathering, a techy friend of mine, who had been sitting next to a total stranger, said to me after their lengthy conversation was over, "That was the deepest conversation I've had with anybody in years. Usually, my conversations with others are superficial and don't mean a thing." When I asked him what they talked about, he said, "Religion. We had different views on religion, but the conversation was intimate and respectful. We were able to be honest and disagree without being offensive in any way. It was amazing.”

With many young people addicted to their cellphones, I wonder how they will learn to converse deeply with others—a necessary skill in developing intimate friendships and romantic relationships. Because a great conversation is like a beautifully-choreographed dance with both partners skillfully contributing to its beauty, a great conversation is a work of art—a function of timing, respect, and mutuality. A conversation is not an interview, a lecture, or a monologue, but a dialogue--an exchange of ideas and opinions between involved participants!

How do we learn to converse skillfully? With lots of practice! We need to be fully engaged and attentive to the nonverbal cues of the other person. We need to notice whether the other person is involved in the conversation and when to interject our own story or perspective. As with all skills, it requires lots of practice and observational data about how it’s going, that is, when it’s going well or instead grinding to a halt and in need of radical repair.

I remember........

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