Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Silence among couples — aka emotional drift — hurts relationships more than fights.

Curiosity rebuilds closeness in relationships.

Love should be tended to with daily care, attention, and presence.

There’s a kind of silence that settles into relationships that isn’t the same as the easy quiet between two people who feel at peace with each other. It’s the kind that creeps in when connection fades, when couples that once shared dreams and late-night conversations suddenly find themselves talking mostly about grocery lists and whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.

Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking, “We don’t fight, but we don’t really talk either.” Or maybe it feels more like, “We’re roommates, not partners.” If so, you’re in what I call emotional drift, and I see it all the time in my practice.

Why Drift Is More Dangerous Than Conflict

Here’s what surprises most couples: Drift does more damage than fighting ever could. Arguments can be repaired. Silence? Silence grows roots. It builds layer by layer until one day you look across the room and barely recognize the person you promised forever to.

As I write in my book From I Do to We Do: “Fighting isn’t failure; it’s proof you still care enough to show up. Silence is the slow freeze that convinces you there’s nothing left to say.”

John Gottman said it best: “It’s not anger that ends marriages; it’s indifference.”

Drift doesn’t happen overnight. It builds during the busy seasons; missed date nights, half-finished conversations, moments when one person feels unseen but stays quiet, while the other shuts down to avoid conflict. Before long, “us” turns into two people simply managing a household.

The Couple Who Never Fought

I once worked with a couple that proudly told me, “We never fight.” It sounded like a win until I realized what they really meant. They weren’t fighting because they’d stopped trying. They were polite. Kind. Totally disconnected.

They’d chosen peace over closeness, and that peace was quietly starving their marriage.

When relationships get this quiet, they lose color. There's less curiosity. Less reaching. Less noticing. The emotional pulse slows to almost nothing.

I call this flatlining love. Not because the love is dead, but because it has stopped being tended to. Like any muscle, connection weakens without movement.

But here’s the hopeful part: Drift is reversible.

What Actually Brings Couples Back

That same couple didn’t reconnect through some grand gesture or tearful breakthrough. What changed things was simple: curiosity.

They started asking each other real questions again. Not about logistics, but about life.

“What’s been on your mind this week?”

“What have you been thinking about that you haven’t said out loud?”

“What’s stressing you out right now?”

That cracked the silence open. It reminded them that underneath the routines were still two people who wanted to be seen.

Curiosity is the antidote to indifference. You don’t need fireworks, just a genuine turning toward.

In my book, I share a simple tool called “The Two-Minute Turn Toward.” Once a day, take two minutes to check in—not about chores or kids, but you. Ask, “What’s something you need today?” or “How are you, really?” Those tiny turns toward each other rebuild emotional safety faster than any grand gesture.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

What You Can Do Starting Tonight

Ask one real question. Skip the logistics and go for the heart. Ask, “What’s something you’ve been wanting to talk about?” or “What do you wish we did more of together?” ans then just listen. Don’t fix it. Don’t defend. Just listen.

Build in small moments of connection. Emotional intimacy doesn’t live in the big gestures; it lives in the small stuff. A genuine “How are you?” when you get home. Eye contact across the room. A text midday that says, “Thinking of you.” A hug that lasts longer than two seconds (or use the Disney rule: Don’t let go until they do). Those moments count more than you think.

Check in weekly. I call this the “Weekly We-Do Check-In.” It’s short, honest, and keeps connection from slipping through the cracks. Pick one night, maybe at bedtime, to talk about the relationship itself. You’re probably scrolling or watching TV anyway. Take 10 minutes. Ask, What went well this week? Where did we miss each other? What would help you feel closer? It sounds simple, but most couples never make space for it.

Name what’s happening. Sometimes just putting words to the distance changes everything: “I feel like we’ve been talking less about what really matters. I miss you.” That vulnerability is connection.

Listen without an agenda. When your partner opens up, resist the urge to solve or defend. Reflect back what you hear (“It sounds like you’ve been feeling…”) and stay curious. I call this listening for meaning, not mastery. You’re not trying to be right; you’re trying to understand.

The Truth About Emotional Drift

Drift is sneaky. It doesn’t announce itself with yelling or tears. It shows up quietly, in the in-between spaces, until one day you realize how far apart you’ve drifted.

But connection can always be rebuilt. It starts small, with a question, a glance, a two-minute check-in, a choice to reach out instead of retreat.

Love doesn’t fade because people stop caring. It fades because they stop showing up in the small ways that matter most.

But you can start showing up again tonight: One question. One moment of real listening. One small turn toward each other.

Marriage isn’t about avoiding the noise; it’s about learning how to make music again together.

© Psychology Today