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Adults may choose estrangement from an abusive sibling and other family members to heal and feel safe.

Adults abused by a sibling may feel pressure to reconcile.

Reconciliation with an abusive sibling is sometimes possible, but not a safe or good option for everyone.

For now, I’ve chosen to practice distance with love. That’s different from cutting someone off in anger. It’s a more grounded approach to my healing, one that aligns with grace and honors both the pain and the growth. The best I can do is acknowledge the complexity of our shared history and continue choosing my own healing… Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s rarely a straight path.

For now, I’ve chosen to practice distance with love. That’s different from cutting someone off in anger. It’s a more grounded approach to my healing, one that aligns with grace and honors both the pain and the growth. The best I can do is acknowledge the complexity of our shared history and continue choosing my own healing… Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s rarely a straight path.

– Testimonial submitted to the SAARA Story Archive

– Testimonial submitted to the SAARA Story Archive

Estrangement as a Path to Healing

Stories of parental estrangement and low involvement are not uncommon, but similar dynamics also occur for adult siblings with a history of previous or ongoing abuse. A recent study of German adults indicated that almost 30 percent experienced sibling estrangement, and the risk of estrangement increased with age.

Sibling estrangements can occur because of a specific event or the accumulation of a series of events that create increasing emotional distance. For some, even in adulthood, their sibling’s abuse has not stopped; thus, estrangement may be a matter of self-protection.

Estrangement may not be ideal, but for those who have been abused by a sibling, emotional and physical distance can provide an opportunity to gain clarity and heal. Some adults who know they were treated poorly may still struggle to recognize that a sibling’s behavior was abusive, even though it would be considered abusive in other relationships. This is because abusive sibling behaviors are often minimized and referred to as conflict or rivalry. Time and space away from that sibling can help adults process their experiences.

The Toll of Sibling Estrangement

Like estrangements from other family members, sibling estrangements can cause shame, stigma, self-doubt, and loneliness, and make family gatherings, celebrations, and holidays a source of sadness and dread.

Some of these feelings arise because family estrangements challenge the idealistic notion that family members always support one another. Estrangements from siblings also incur some unique distress, given that this relationship is one of the most enduring across the lifespan and serves as an important connection to family and a source of support after parents have passed.

Having social support from family and friends while estranged from a sibling is important for mental health. However, the path to healing is often not linear, and when any kind of family estrangement occurs, other family relationships are likely to be affected as well, causing additional distress.

Those estranged from a sibling can become alienated from parents, additional siblings, and other family members. Sometimes, this alienation comes from family members disbelieving or minimizing the abuse or blaming the harmed sibling as the root of family hurt. These estrangements can then inadvertently extend, with ripple effects on other relatives, including nieces, nephews, in-laws, and family friends.

Given the potential anguishing impact these family divisions can have on mental health, pressure may mount on the harmed sibling to forgive, forget, and reconcile. An assumption is often made that reconciliation is the best path forward and that any family disruption is temporary and resolvable.

Estrangement for Now and, Possibly, a Lifetime

A big part of healing is turning the hurt from abuse, the anger and sadness about how others reacted, and the loss of family relationships into feelings of understanding and self‑acceptance. It is also essential that the harmed sibling begins to feel safe, even if the abuse stopped long ago.

There are circumstances in which reconciliation is not possible for the long term or ever. Safety is paramount, especially when there is ongoing sibling abuse. Sibling abuse in adulthood can arise from a sibling’s mental health issues; ingrained family patterns, such as favoritism; and family members’ interpersonal problems.

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Find a Family Therapy Therapist

A therapist with expertise in family relationships, ideally sibling relationships, can help process the past and advise how to move forward, including whether reconciliation makes sense. Harmed siblings should begin with individual therapy characterized by validation, listening, and empathy.

Individual therapy could be followed by the inclusion of family members who are open to vulnerability and healing, perhaps parents or the estranged sibling. Vulnerability is an important component of reconciliation because it can shift and stop abusive dynamics. In any therapy, it is important to support all family members without risking additional harm to the abused sibling.

Nevertheless, family therapy and reconciliation won’t work for everyone. Know that it is OK if this is not part of your healing process. Sometimes, even good-faith efforts at reconciliation fail because decades of hurt prevent the development of a shared understanding. It is possible to heal and live a full life without contact with—or an apology from—an abusive sibling.

Meyers, A., Tucker, C. J., & Whitworth, T. R. (2025). Tips for choosing a therapist to treat harmful sibling dynamics. Crimes against Children Research Center, University of New Hampshire. Retrieved from https://www.unh.edu/saara/our-research/tip-sheet-handouts

Tucker, C. J., Whitworth, T. R., & Finkelhor, D. (2025). Clarifying labels, constructs, and definitions: Sibling aggression and abuse are family violence. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42, 1800–1817. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251332741

Tucker, C. J., Whitworth, T. R., & Finkelhor, D. (2024). Sibling aggression and abuse are ACEs (SAARA Bulletin #8). Crimes against Children Research Center, University of New Hampshire. https://www.unh.edu/saara/publication/sibling-aggression-abuse-are-aces

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