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Some kids are wired to process their experiences through a negative lens.

When something doesn’t happen the way they expect/desire, they have a hard time coping and externalize blame.

How you respond in these moments can mitigate or exacerbate their negative mindset and reaction.

“We sit down for dinner. Declan (5) whines, ‘You didn’t get me my milk!' Not, ‘Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long workday, Mommy. Can I please have some milk?’ We get to the playground, and he complains, ‘You didn’t bring the right pail!’ We read three books at bedtime, he accuses, ‘We didn’t get to read my favorite book about the pandas (because he hadn’t chosen it!) The whining is out of control and driving us mad.”

“My son, Harry (7) is very attached to me and demanding of my attention, which leads to him getting a lot more of it than my other kids. Last night, when I told him a babysitter was coming, he pleaded for me not to go and accused, ‘You care more about your friends than me!’ This gets me in the gut and makes me feel guilty—like I’m rejecting and hurting him. When I take a step back, I know that it’s not wrong for me to want a night out to meet my own needs. He just makes it so hard.”

Some kids, often those who are highly sensitive, process their experiences in the world through a deficit, half-glass-empty lens. It’s a wiring issue, not a stance your child has chosen or that you have engendered in your child.

They have a lower threshold for discomfort. When something doesn’t happen the way they expect or desire, they have a hard time coping and often externalize blame. They react as if they have been wronged, wounded, and are being deprived when something unexpected happens, when you set a limit they don’t like, or when you are not able to meet all of their needs. They demand apologies and compensation, lest they take their pound of flesh.

These kids are also extremely clever and know how to pull at their loving parents’ heartstrings to get them to give them what they want, like Harry, who didn’t want his mom to go out with her friends. This dynamic is often at play with the parent who has assumed the role of the “emotional support parent”—the person whom they depend on to meet all their needs (demands) and prevent or solve all problems.

Don't try to change your child’s feelings or to "logic" them into rationality. If you’re like most parents I work with, your natural reaction may be to try to reason with your child:

"Why don't you see all the things we do for you? It’s never enough!”

"Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?"

Don't get defensive and try to convince them you haven’t wronged them.

"We didn't read the Panda book because you didn't choose it! It's not my fault."

Refuting your child’s perspective and trying to change their minds usually results in them doubling down on their stance/accusations. (They’re not pausing and thinking: “Good point, you’re right, that was totally irrational.”)

When the response includes shaming—the meta-message being “what’s wrong with you?”—it shuts kids down and makes learning any important lessons you’re trying to teach impossible.

Don't buy into the guilt and acquiesce to their demands. This happens when you read the extra book or cancel the babysitter. This sends several unhelpful messages to your child:

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It reinforces the false notion that you’ve wronged your child and now you owe them.

It engenders entitlement.

It teaches them that they can control people by guilting them into doing what they want.

Show compassion while holding important limits.

"I hear that you’d like some milk. You’re welcome to pour yourself some whenever you like.” If they’re not old enough to do this independently, you might respond: “I’d be happy to get you that milk when you ask for it with respect and a kind voice.”

“I know you don’t like it when mommy goes out with friends and we have a babysitter. You want mommy here all the time. I love my time with you, too. I also love my time with my friends, so I will be going out. I’m not asking you to like it or agree with it; this is a mommy decision. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

The goal is to help children see that not getting everything they want is about healthy and developmentally appropriate limits, not about love or favoritism. Liam’s parents want him to create a new narrative that is not one of “I am a victim, always being deprived”, but one that sounds more like, “When I can’t have everything the way I want it, and my parents set limits, it doesn’t mean I am not loved or valued.” Mature as this outlook may seem, over time, children can and do internalize this very important concept.

© Psychology Today