I was a teen in a small Midwestern town, surrounded by cornfields and cows, when I went vegetarian 45 years ago.

While my parents tolerated it, I soon realised that many people took it personally and weighed in with “you won’t get enough protein” or “live a little, have some ham,” as someone angrily tossed a slice onto my plate.

But it’s not just vegetarians who get under other people’s skin. When a friend or family member makes a change, whether it’s going gluten-free, paleo or vegan, everyone involved has feelings. Over the years, I’ve seen relationships forever changed, even professional ones.

I was just a teenager at the time, but I could sense that people’s reactions to my meatless plate went deeper than just wanting me to enjoy Thanksgiving.

Now, as a chef and educator, I’ve watched the debates rage over special diet requests, assessing some as valid and others as attention-seeking.

So I asked three experts to weigh in on why people react so strongly. Understanding, on both sides, might just help keep the peace.

It creates more work for hosts

In the moment, the first response is often motivated by the inconvenience of someone needing a different entrée at a meal or get-together. It’s more work for the host if the guest doesn’t bring food or somehow make an effort to make it easier.

Denise Dudley, who has a Ph.D. in behavioural psychology, explains: “We should acknowledge there’s the added logistical challenge when someone’s food choices suddenly change – separate dishes to prepare, special ingredients, restaurant changes, etc.

“If you’re the one who does the meal planning and cooking for an entire family (or group of roommates, etc.), it’s hard enough to please all palates without the added hassle of having to remember who eats what.”

If you have a gluten sensitivity, that's not for anyone to judge.

It can feel like a change to cultural identity and ritual

When families gather over a meal, they’re often sharing family recipes. For immigrant families, this is a powerful connection to the homeland. When members of the group reject part of the feast, it can be seen as a rejection of the family history, culture and traditions.

“Food is significantly intertwined with cultural and racial identity. It serves as a powerful medium for expressing one’s heritage, belonging and resistance. Sociologically, foods and practices around foods reflect the values, histories and social structures of a group. The shaping of food practices reinforces identity from one generation to the next,” according to David W. Wahl, assistant professor of sociology and criminology at McMurry University, Abilene, Texas.

If you thought that a pie was just a pie, you might not have been seeing the big picture. Wahl sees a sweet potato pie or a meal of handmade tamales as a powerful way to stay connected to the ancestors.

“For example, African American soul food – rooted in survival strategies during slavery – combines ingredients like collard greens and cornbread with communal cooking practices, symbolising resilience........

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