Dear Lord. A blasphemous Super Bowl just broke right-wing brains: Team Soros beat Team Jesus. They sang a Black national anthem, Travis wore a sparkly outfit, Usher danced in a Satanic pit, "pure evil" Pfizer ran an ad, woke Jesus ads preached tolerance - "This feet-washing is heresy" - and the "Aryan goddess" was exposed as a beer-chugging, demon-calling, child-blood-drinking Pentagon psy-op who rigged the game with her vax-shilling boyfriend to elect Biden and beget End Times. Truly, the righteous lament.

The right has, of course, been melting down for a while over the pop megastar. Their multi-pronged "holy war" on one of the most successful musicians of all time makes as much sense as all their other cultural crusades against often iconic scapegoats - Disney, Target, Bud Light, Major League Baseball and more recently the life-saving Pfizer - proving, writes one sage, "The culture MAGA Republicans are at war with is America." In Swift's case, their unhinged choice of target is both deeply perplexing and entirely understandable: An uber-successful, wildly popular, young, independent, attractive, forceful woman who in a 17-year career has built an empire worth over $1 billion - and responded to the loss of control of her music by re-recording it over time while also putting out new music - has to be a huge threat to the fragile egos of countless American men. And that was before her three-hour, global Eras Tour that crashed Ticketmaster when it sold 2 million tickets in a day and is now on track for a record-setting $1 billion in sales, more than 42 nations' yearly economic output.

There's also her record-smashing Eras concert film, her declaration of solidarity that the tour, Beyoncé’s Renaissance Tour and Greta Gerwig’s "Barbie" rendered last summer "a three-part..feminine extravaganza," the fact a class at Harvard about her music that reportedly compared her to Wordsworth is one of at least 10 schools that include her in their curriculum, and her choice as Time's Person of the Year, complete with gushing accolades: "Her celebrity, which emits so much light it can be blinding, is without contemporary precedent...She has harnessed the power of the media (to) create (a) narrative world in which her music is just one piece in an interactive, shape-shifting story." Guess who was pissed? The forever narcissistic Bad Orange Guy fumed it "obviously" made no sense she, not he, was chosen; he also babbled that if Swift didn't support him she would be "disloyal to the man who made her so much money" after the the J6 Rioter Choir's biggest fan cluelessly signed an act upgrading copyright protections which Congress passed while he was golfing.

Swift has shied away from overt politics - and hasn’t endorsed Biden yet - but she's supported LGBTQ and abortion rights and decried Trump as a wannabe "autocrat." Most perniciously, she's urged her 279 million Instagram followers to vote and (gasp) posted a link to Vote.org; it prompted a huge rise in registrations, especially from 18-year-olds. Given her vast influence - and the fact of 41 million Gen Z voters, 8 million first-timers - GOP operatives are freaking their only Big Names are...Kid Rock? Lauren Boebert? Ted Nugent? And, for broken Steve Bannon, Mr. Pillow: "They hate Mike Lindell so much because of (what) he says as the apostle of the stolen election." No wonder they've desperately pivoted to the bonkers Swift-as-Pentagon-asset narrative. "I wonder who got to her?" muses Jesse Waters, who notes she "might not even know she’s being utilized in a covert manner to swing voters" before turning to a Tucker trick. "There is very slim evidence, but we're curious." When Waters asks a fellow-traveling FBI agent, "Is this feasible?" he shakes his head in despair. We know how he feels.

Still, forget the Pentagon; we should worry about Satan. Bewailing, "We have had enough of Taylor Swift," extremist Christians are so sure she's summoning demons on the Eras Tour they have a petition asking her to please stop even if she's only doing it by accident, which alas is "sort of irrelevant to the demons." Nashville "exorcist" Father Dan Reehil cites Swift's song Willow, which she's actually said is like "casting a spell to make someone fall in love with you," plus she and the dancers dress in black capes with orbs, which is just like witchcraft. Even if she's unaware, Reehil says, she's "probably attracting a lot of demons to her concerts," and fans should know the spiritual danger they face. "You have these little girls who literally worship her (and) could be attacked by demonic forces...I would say don't do it." Other believers are suitably horrified, especially since "the demons get angry every time you mention God." Said one who'd seen concert video. "Nope! Get that evil out of here!" Then again, a fan posted, "Yes! Summon the demons, bitch!" And JoeMyGodargues, "Shes not summoning demons - just voters."

Still, it got worse. Having desecrated Time Magazine, capitalism, autocracy and God, Swift moved on to football, using her unholy tricks (and probably a black dress) to seduce popular if vaccinated Kansas City Chiefs' tight end Travis Kelce. Fox heads exploded: See? Life is all just a deep-state, Soros-funded, pedophiles-in-a-pizza-parlor conspiracy where agents of shadow forces control the world and the........

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