That it be held in front of a rally-size crowd of women (all 10s), etc.

Dear Harris Campaign,

Fine! I have agreed to the debate on ABC. But as I proposed during my wonderful speech Thursday, this should be the first of three. I propose that the second debate occur on Fox News, as follows.

The debate is held in front of a rally-size crowd of women (all 10s) and big, strong men weeping and clutching at my hands and saying, “Sir, sir!” They are all weeping because they have missed me so much. I touch them and their golf handicaps decrease.

The debate takes place at Mar-a-Lago, the best place in the world. A bunch of classified documents are there because they will not stop following me loyally around. “Stop following me around, classified documents!” I tell them. “Go on, git!” But they refuse. They will go wherever I go, and that includes the debate. They settle in the back rows in their cardboard boxes, rustling proudly.

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The moderator is Bret Bear, an actual bear. RFK Jr. (who is going to have a great job in the new Trump Cabinet) comes and disposes of the bear in his trademark manner.

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No one calls me weird, even though I have brought JD Vance with me. It’s good that he’s there and no one has second thoughts about him. The only second thought they have is, “I like him, a second time.” One woman says she doesn’t like him, but he points at her and she turns back into a cat, just as he suspected. He will be a great Witchfinder General, my JD.

To get to the debate, Vice President Kamala Harris has to walk through a gantlet of people with bells shouting, “Shame!” JD Vance has the biggest bell, and he is the loudest. The crowd gets bigger and bigger, and they love me more and more. The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. is there, and he says, “I confirm that your crowd is bigger than mine, and also better in undefinable ways.” “Thanks, Dr. King!” I tell him. I give him a big thumbs-up. My sons (all of whom are at least 7 feet tall, like skyscrapers, so they have better access to God) stand in a big line behind me and........

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