There clearly is only one logical home for me in the 2024 election. I did not want to say so earlier for fear of alienating my host.

My fellow worms and Americans,

It is I, your friend, the worm who ate part of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain, then died. It is with a heavy scolex (that’s the knob-like attachment sometimes mistaken for my head) that I report that, after much prayerful consideration, we are leaving the race. My host, as is customary when faced with important decisions, released several falcons and studied their flight, then read the entrails from his roadkill fridge for confirmation; I made a small hecatomb to Worm God and reached the same conclusions.

Ultimately, this came down to values. I say now what I have said this whole campaign: I am a parasite and I do not have the country’s best interests at heart. So it is clear to me now that I have no choice but to drop out of the race and support Donald Trump.

As a creature who seeks only to gorge myself willy-nilly on whatever life offers without concern for what devastation I leave in my wake, I have long admired Donald Trump’s way of doing things. To live off the production of others in a harmful way, and to dwell relentlessly in the minds of people who wish they did not have to devote a corner to me — that is a creed we share. And he frequently speaks of his admiration for Hannibal Lecter, who also famously ate brain, so I know that if we ever met, we would have something to talk about.

Advertisement

Also I have been told that Trump, if elected, will make my host Secretary of Figuring Out What It Is The FBI Is Really Up To And Stopping It, unless that position is taken, in which case I am hoping he will be the head of the Food and Drug Administration! That’s huge! Can’t wait to approve lots of skin care and stop all vaccines! Get excited for preventable childhood diseases to be back in an even bigger way, but for those ailing children to have luminous complexions!

Follow Alexandra Petri

I understand that this is just injecting more chaos into........

© Washington Post