Partner communication is clearly an important factor in relationship success. A popular theory goes so far as to claim that to be happy, you and your partner must speak the same primary “love language.” According to Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, there are five ways to show you love your partner: helping your partner (service), giving presents (gifts), touching sexually and nonsexually (physical touch), complimenting or expressing affection (words of affirmation), and spending time in mutually enjoyable activities (quality time). The ideal scenario between partners occurs, according to this proposal, when each expresses love to their partner in the language the partner most prefers to hear.

Perhaps you’ve heard about this approach or even used it as a framework for understanding relationships. Not only has the love language theory struck a resonant chord with the public (as gauged by the book’s best-seller status), but it is also widely adopted as a tool in couples counseling. Even if you’ve never heard of this theory specifically, it all might make sense to you. How many times have you felt your partner’s efforts failed to resonate with your own wishes and preferences? Did your partner try to make up with you after an argument by buying you a present rather than simply giving you a hug or offering to spend an evening together?

Given the popularity of the love language model, along with its commonsense nature, it might come as a surprise that the entire approach has remained largely unsupported. Think about how you feel when you learn that a common medical treatment turned out to lack scientific data to back it up, such as when a drug is recalled from the market. Therefore, if you were on the love language bandwagon, you’d want to know why it remains used as the basis for helping couples improve their relationships.

According to Sharon Flicker........

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