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Disappointment is a natural part of life.

Painful disappointments can make us want to protect ourselves from recurrences.

Not all disappointment is traumatic.

Melanie* was excited about an upcoming date with Lee, who she’d met on an online dating site. “I’ve had such bad luck with online dating,” she said, “I’ve been thinking about giving it up. But then this guy swiped me and he seems nice and interesting. And we have a lot in common, including even where we went to college.”

Lee suggested that they meet at a small restaurant that was halfway between where they each lived. “He said that he doesn’t like these quick meetings for just coffee or a drink, that he thinks it takes time to find out if you like someone, so we’re going for dinner. But,” she added, “he said if we don’t want to spend a lot of time with each other, we can skip dessert. I think it was a joke, although you can’t always tell, you know?”

Listening to clients, friends, and acquaintances who are looking for romantic partners, it has seemed to me that online dating is declining. A recent New York Times article reinforced my anecdotal ‘research,’ citing significant evidence that “dating app burnout has become rampant, and platforms are struggling to attract and retain users.” It appears that people are turning back to old-fashioned techniques for meeting people in real life (IRL).

But whether meeting someone through a blind date, a dating site, or a meetup of some sort, there is always the possibility of disappointment. People don’t live up to expectations. Dates don’t live up to expectations. For better or worse, disappointment is a natural part of the dating equation.

Disappointment is a natural part of life

We have our first lessons on managing disappointment as children. Parents often feel the need to protect their children from the pain, shame, and hurt that often go along with disappointment. But the feelings, including being disappointed in their parents, are an important part of a child’s development.

Normal and manageable experiences of disappointment in childhood help us build the “feeling muscles” to tolerate and even grow from manageable distress. Parents who understand that disappointment is simply part of life can help children cope with age-appropriate letdowns and the sad and angry feelings that go along with those moments. When these feelings are acknowledged, the child is then helped to make the best of the situation and move on—and maybe even grow from the letdown. Children can learn not to be afraid of disappointment. When parents themselves are afraid of these feelings, however, they may try to shield children from all possible setbacks and losses, even those that are age-appropriate and manageable. And then children learn to fear these feelings as well—without developing the psychological and emotional know-how to handle the inevitable obstacles of every life.

Painful disappointments can make us want to protect ourselves from recurrences

According to another study, ongoing feelings of entitlement can lead to painful and repeated disappointment. According to Joshua Grubbs, the primary author of a study from Case Western Reserve, "At extreme levels, entitlement is a toxic narcissistic trait, repeatedly exposing people to the risk of feeling frustrated, unhappy, and disappointed with life."

What Is Emotion Regulation?

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There are other reasons that we fear disappointment as adults. Perhaps you have experienced a traumatic letdown in your life, or a series of painful moments of hopeful expectations dashed for one reason or another. Of course you are going to be afraid that another disappointment will create similar feelings of distress and unhappiness. That is not only normal; it’s even a sign of health. Our feelings help keep us from repeating bad and painful experiences, so your fear of disappointment is trying to do exactly that—keep you from feeling traumatic pain.

Not all disappointment is traumatic

As an adult, however, it’s important to understand that not all disappointment is traumatic. Sure, it can be frustrating, hurtful, sad, and irritating when something or someone fails to live up to our expectations. But in adulthood we need to find ways to make space for such failures, to move on, and even to let go of some of our anger and frustration.

Healthy ways to manage disappointment:

Recognize, accept, and name your feelings. Putting emotions into words is a time-honored way of processing them. Mindfulness practitioners remind us that once we have acknowledged our feelings, they often quietly move on.

Distract yourself. Many forms of therapy have found that once you’ve named your feelings, diverting your mind away from them can also help you move on from them. Like a small child who is upset, your mind and body will calm down once you have given it something else to focus on.

Develop more flexible and perhaps attainable goals. It’s important to have dreams, but it’s equally important to be able to appreciate what you can realistically achieve, rather than to rigidly insist on a specific picture that you have in mind.

Remember that disappointment is a natural part of life. You cannot be human and not be disappointed.

As we learn to accept these disruptions of our hopes and dreams as a normal part of life, we gradually become more flexible, and less rigid, about what we expect from ourselves and from others. We begin to “roll with the punches,” to take life more as it comes. And gradually, we learn that disappointments are not the worst things in life.

Melanie was pleasantly surprised by her date with Lee. "We got along really well," she said. "It's amazing how much we have in common. But you know, I'm not making plans to marry him, which I might have done in the past. We'll see how things go. And maybe, just maybe, this will be the right relationship. But if it's not, I know that I'll be OK. And it doesn't mean I'll never meet the right person."

Recognizing that future disappointments do not need to be as painful or as upsetting as past ones might have been can make us more comfortable with decisions, with human failings and flaws, and, in general, more comfortable being human ourselves.

One of the keys to coping with disappointment in others, I think, is this: we are all human, and humans are by definition imperfect beings. We all, every one of us, disappoints someone at some time or another. Recognizing this fact of human experience can help us deal with the pain of disillusionment when it comes, as it inevitably must, and to deepen our capacity to love and connect with our flawed fellow creatures.

*Names and identifying info changed to protect privacy.

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