“Mankind cannot take too much reality.” – T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

We have many ways to fool ourselves beyond the obvious defense mechanisms and coping habits. This post addresses only the few that deplete hope and drain experience of positive meaning.

Disappointment occurs when outcomes do not meet expectations. The only way to avoid disappointment is to have no expectations. But the cost of having no expectations is low interest and hope, with an elevated risk of depression. It’s a better choice to embrace the benefits of disappointment. Yes, disappointment has benefits, when it motivates reflection, improvement, and perseverance, as any successful person will attest.

Disappointment depletes hope and positive meaning when we interpret it as personal failure, rejection, inadequacy, or disrespect from others.

Blame depletes hope and positive meaning because it forfeits control of emotional well-being to whomever we blame. It replaces hope with wishing that someone else would behave better, while motivating coercive efforts to get them to do so.

It may sound counterintuitive, but painful memories are not really about the past. The repetitive nature of painful memories evolved to keep us safe in the present. If you step on a nail in bare feet, you’ll have unpleasant memories of having stepped on the nail long after the physical wound is healed. The memory will persist until your brain is assured that you can walk safely by watching where you step. Painful memories motivate corrective behavior.

We undermine the corrective nature of painful memories when our efforts to keep safe violate deeper values. For instance, pain that results from the death of a loved........

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