The most common question I get from clients who enter treatment for problem anger is this:

“What do I do when things get out of control?”

That’s the wrong question. The right question is this:

How do I prevent things from getting out of control?

On autopilot, angry exchanges are likely to get out of control. Anger is the most contagious emotion. Just being around angry people, much less interacting with them, is likely to make you angry.

Anger naturally escalates in arguments because it evolved for winning, not for ties. We don’t try to hurt the saber-tooth tiger just as much as it hurts us, in the spirit of fairness. Rather, we try to destroy its capacity to hurt us.

Anger is a flame; fanning it will only burn your hand. We need to turn off the gas. The gas is blaming.

Most anger is like background noise, outside of awareness. Examples are impatience, annoyance, or irritability. These can be caused by any number of things, including uncomfortable room temperature or clothing, work-related stressors, or low physical resources—hunger, thirst, indigestion, illness, injury, or sleep deprivation. Blaming........

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