Do you see differences of opinion as normal? Do you believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and thoughts? Do you also find it difficult to become or remain friends with or work with someone who has different beliefs and ideas than you?

Most people would agree that everyone has a right to their own opinion. Yet disagreements from small issues, such as how to load the dishwasher or whose turn it is to pick up the check, to larger issues, such as political differences, can strain relationships and even break them. Having differences of opinion can lead to destructive conflict. What’s going on here?

Research indicates that there are physiological reasons why we react strongly to the very differences see as normal. When someone agrees with us, our reward system is activated. We get that dopamine rush that can be addictive—we want more of that. When someone agrees with us, we feel validated. We like being right. We’re in our safety zone, and that’s where we can bond with others. When others agree with you, it feels like they are on your team. In relationships, this is like finding similarities with someone and deepening our connection.

When someone expresses a different opinion than ours, that can activate our threat system. We are on guard, tense, and ready to fight or run away. Think about the last disagreement you had with someone. Was it difficult to remain curious and interested in their opinion? Too often, in that situation, we are arguing (fight response) or ready to abandon the relationship (flight response). The threat may be that we don’t like the idea of being wrong. It can feel like we’re not on the same side and that we can’t trust the other person; they are against us. In addition, we may see our self-worth as tied........

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