Most people experience envy, especially toward peers close in age or status.

Benign envy can motivate growth, while malicious envy breeds resentment.

Naming envy and reframing it as inspiration can strengthen motivation and relationships.

Do you (like me) sometimes envy your friends? If so, this makes us “friendvious.” I know a cute portmanteau doesn’t make us feel any better about feeling green with friendvy… so let’s turn to research to understand (and rationalize) this uncomfortable emotion.

Studies show non-family-like relationships (i.e., close friends, casual friends, and acquaintances) are more likely to elicit feelings of envy than family-like relationships (i.e., relatives, siblings, best friends, and romantic partners).

Research also reassures us that “more than three-fourths of survey participants report that they had experienced envy in the last year.” Digging a bit deeper, about 80 percent of people under 30 reported feeling envious, compared with 69 percent of people over 50.

We are more likely to envy others of the same gender and within five years of our own age. We’re most likely to envy monetary and occupational success (although I have also been known to envy my friend CJ’s lustrous hair).

Allow me to provide personally unflattering examples before we wade further into the psychology of this unsavory emotion:

When I see a LinkedIn post (oh, LinkedIn, the breeding ground for friendvy!) from successful, keynote-speaking friends, I experience two simultaneous emotions: genuine happiness for their achievements, and a sense of longing for similar success in my own life. I don’t feel the same pangs of envy with keynote-speaker-strangers as I do with my friends; these mixed feelings of admiration paired with self-comparison illustrate how envy can show up in close relationships.

When I look up successful friends’ websites for inspiration, I admire their accomplishments and feel proud of them… and since I’m well aware prolonged comparison can trigger self-doubt and feelings of imposter phenomenon, I “scroll and scram.” I’ll send my friend a praiseful, “your speaking reel looks incredible!” text message and then try to figure out what to do with my friendviousness. Envy... it can coexist with respect and affection.

Let’s differentiate between envy and jealousy

Envy involves wanting what someone else has and feeling inferior or resentful.

Jealousy involves fear of losing something one already possesses to another person.

Envy is generally unpleasant, but it’s not always harmful. It’s typically painful and ego-threatening, which is why it can sting our well-being in the short term.

Social Comparison Theory helps explain the engine of envy: Upward social comparison occurs when we compare ourselves to similar others to evaluate our abilities and status. Because friends and close peers are particularly relevant comparison targets, their achievements can make perceived gaps more glaring and increase the likelihood of envy.

Social media amplifies these upward comparisons, which can reduce our well-being. Studies show that Facebook use, for example, can trigger envy and increase negative emotional experiences.

Most research distinguishes between benign envy and malicious envy.

Benign envy motivates self-improvement and sounds a lot like, “I want to be as accomplished as my friend.”

Malicious envy involves ill will toward the friend and sounds a lot like, “I wish my friend had way less success.”

Researcher Sara Protasi describes four kinds of envy (a framework I love so much and would totally be envious of if I were trying to be an envy researcher, but alas, I have keynote speaker friends to be envious of instead):

Emulative envy results from focusing on the desired good while believing oneself capable of attaining it. The envied person becomes a role model, motivating improvement.

Inert envy occurs when individuals focus on the desired good but believe they are incapable of obtaining it. This form is associated with despair, frustration, and reduced motivation.

Aggressive envy involves believing one can remove the advantage from the envied person. This form is competitive and antagonistic.

Spiteful envy arises when individuals focus on the envied person but believe they cannot obtain the good themselves, leading to frustration and hostility without constructive motivation.

These distinctions help clarify how envy can either undermine or enhance well-being.

So, what should we do when we feel envious of friends?

Name it, don’t shame it. Benign envy is a normal social emotion. Acknowledging it may reduce its intensity and prevent it from becoming destructive. My envy reminds me I have some semblance of passion and that I want very good things for my life. If I didn’t compare myself to my friends who are doing what I want to be doing more of, it might mean I no longer cared about my goals. I’d prefer envy over apathy.

Consider openness. What if we admitted to our friends that we were proud of them and envied them? When we express admiration for our friends’ achievements, envy can transform into appreciation and connection rather than resentment. Recognizing others as sources of inspiration strengthens relationships rather than threatens them.

Let envy motivate rather than demoralize. We know context matters… envy motivates only when self-improvement seems possible. When we believe progress is possible, envy can increase effort and performance. However, when goals seem unattainable, envy may lead to discouragement, suggesting a need to reassess priorities or expectations. Do we need to let go of goals that aren’t realistic (e.g., envying a friend who made the Olympic team, when that’s not likely in the cards for us)?

Research suggests that benign envy can promote personal growth. When others’ success seems attainable, envy can increase motivation, encourage goal-setting, and improve performance. Studies also indicate that benign envy is positively associated with flourishing and subjective well-being.

We are allowed to want to emulate friends we admire while still supporting their success. It is possible to hold multiple emotions at once... we can be happy for our friend’s successes, and simultaneously unhappy that we don’t have what they have (yet?). These feelings don’t have to compromise our friendships, especially if we’re willing to share our applause for their wins with them.

Ultimately, the benign kind of envy can serve as information about our values, aspirations, and where we want to grow. Rather than viewing envy solely as a moral failure or personal flaw, we can recognize it as a complex social emotion that, when managed constructively, can motivate improvement and enhance well-being. It can even improve our friendships when we share our admiration for their successes. Being friendvious doesn’t sound all that bad now, does it?

© Psychology Today