Think of an ongoing conflict you’ve had with your partner—common topics include sex, how you spend your time or money, jealousy, the kids, how you speak to one another, and the division of labor. The last time there was a disagreement about the issue, whose side did you take?

The question seems a bit ridiculous because the answer is so obvious: You took your own side, of course! Who wouldn’t? And you no doubt believed, in your heart of hearts, that you were in the right and that your partner was confused or willfully ignoring the truth. For their part, your partner probably believed and felt the same things, thinking you were not only wrong but stubborn and irritating.

Wouldn’t it be great if a neutral third party could hear the case? It’s so obvious to everyone (except your partner) that you are right; any reasonable person would surely take your side. In fact, your friends and siblings—maybe even your therapist—see things from your perspective.

And of course your partner (and every partner) is thinking more or less the same things—but they can’t all be right. If we assume for the sake of argument that one person is right and one is wrong in every conflict (ignoring ties for now), then not everyone can be right every time. In the universe of couples, the average........

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