No doubt about it, children can frustrate the heck out of their parents. If you are in a conflicted custody situation, then you can multiply that feeling of frustration by ten. If you are a targeted parent (you believe that the other parent is trying to turn your child against you), multiply that by one hundred! That is because children caught in a parental alienation dynamic are being emotionally manipulated by one parent to push the other parent’s buttons in order to get that targeted parent to become reactive/angry or depressed/passive. Either way, the targeted parent is likely to have some choice thoughts for their child, perhaps thinking of the child as “rude” “disrespectful” and maybe even “abusive.” Certainly, the child’s behavior can be unpleasant and disruptive to the parent-child attachment relationship, which thrives when the child experiences the parent as safe, loving, and available (Bowlby, 1969).
The concern is that when parents think of their children in such negative ways it can enflame the feelings of distance and conflict in the relationship. The goal is to always maintain a feeling of respect and sympathy for the child, even when they are behaving in ways that feel discouraging and unpleasant to the parent. Here are some basic tips:
When you are feeling frustrated with your child, use descriptive non-pejorative language:
Example 1: Instead of thinking/saying “My child is a slob,” think/say “My child does not keep their room as tidy as I would like them to.”
Example 2: Instead of thinking/saying “My child is lazy,” think/say “My child has a hard time getting started with tasks they don’t want to do.”
Example 3: Instead of thinking/saying “My child is rude,” think/say “My child speaks to me in a way I find unpleasant.”
The goal is not to lie to yourself or others about the issues you are having with your child. There is no need to think or say “I don’t care if my child spits on me” or “I don’t mind when my child leaves half-eaten sandwiches in their bedroom” or “It’s fine with me if my child doesn’t do their chores before playing.” The goal is to describe the problem situation using language that does not shame or demoralize you or your child.
When your child behaves in a way towards you that you find unpleasant, follow this three-part response as described in Baker and Fine (2023):
Step 1: Show you care that your child is upset: “Wow, you must be very angry right now. I want to know what’s going on.”
Step 2: Describe the behavior you don’t like: “You are speaking very loudly and it is hurting my ears” or “You are looking at me like I am an idiot and it is distracting to me.”
Step 3: Kindly invite your child to share what is bothering them without that behavior: “Can you please tell me what’s bothering you in a quieter voice?”
You should reap many benefits from this approach including:
Benefit 1: You are showing your child that you care about them.
Benefit 2: You are standing up for yourself, which always feels good.
Benefit 3: You are role-modeling for your child how to stand up for oneself in a way that doesn’t put the other person down.
As Jane Nelsen (1981) points out, there is no need to make a child feel bad to help them do good. Try to remember that thoughts affect feelings as much as feelings affect thoughts, so what you say to yourself in your own head about your child affects how you feel about your child and perhaps even your behavior towards them. Whether you are caught in a custody battle, whether you are dealing with parental alienation, or whether you are lucky to not have those issues in your life, it’s always better to avoid negative labels.
References
Baker, A.J.L. & Fine, P.R. (2023). Parenting under fire. Lanham MD: Rowman and Littlefield.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment. New York, NY: basic Books.
Nelsen, J. (1981). Positive discipline. New York, NY: Ballentine Books.
Stop Using Negative Labels
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23.05.2024
No doubt about it, children can frustrate the heck out of their parents. If you are in a conflicted custody situation, then you can multiply that feeling of frustration by ten. If you are a targeted parent (you believe that the other parent is trying to turn your child against you), multiply that by one hundred! That is because children caught in a parental alienation dynamic are being emotionally manipulated by one parent to push the other parent’s buttons in order to get that targeted parent to become reactive/angry or depressed/passive. Either way, the targeted parent is likely to have some choice thoughts for their child, perhaps thinking of the child as “rude” “disrespectful” and maybe even “abusive.” Certainly, the child’s behavior can be unpleasant and disruptive to the parent-child attachment relationship, which thrives when the child experiences the parent as safe, loving, and available (Bowlby, 1969).
The concern is that when parents think of their........
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