You can forgive without reconciling, and you can reconcile without forgiving.

While researching and writing my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, I discovered a common misconception: Many people incorrectly believe that forgiveness is synonymous with or requires reconciliation. I’ve seen this misunderstanding occur in family and couples therapy when loved ones encourage forgiveness when they truly seek reconciliation or encourage reconciliation when they truly want forgiveness. This confusion can cause further harm to occur in relationships.

There is currently no consensus on how forgiveness ought to be defined, which adds to the misunderstanding of the distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For this post, I will use the definition provided by Enright and Fitzgibbons: “People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful acts, has no right).”1 Forgiveness is an emotional process that changes your thoughts, feelings, and actions toward an offender.

In contrast, reconciliation occurs when two or more people restore a relationship after harm has occurred. This restoration can be loving, friendly, amicable, polite, or civil: treating someone with respect as you would a stranger. Imagine that you do not trust a person who has harmed you, but you continue to have civil........

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