Why Relationships Matter

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This post is Part 2 of a series.

In Part 1 of this series, I wrote about the experience of telling your partner that he’s hurt you only to be blindsided by his anger and defensiveness. I described the shock of setting out with the intention to create connection, feel understood, receive comfort and acknowledgment, and maybe even an apology, and instead, to be slammed by your partner’s emotional attack.

Furthermore, I described what so many women assume when this happens, namely, that the reason they got attacked was that they didn’t use the right words, didn't frame their hurt in a way that their partner could understand or hear, or that they picked the wrong time to share their truth. For instance, maybe their partner had had a bad day, or the restaurant was loud, he was hungry, or he was in some other less-than-perfect state. Whatever the cause, it was her fault for expecting him to empathize with her when she had chosen the wrong moment to ask.

Clearly, had she been more skillful at expressing her hurt, her partner would have taken responsibility for his actions and felt remorse for having caused her suffering, even if it was unintentional. He would have been able to set aside his own ego and hear her; her hurt would have mattered—because she matters to him.

No matter how many times, in how many “languages,” they explain why they were wounded, why they are entitled to compassion, and that their........

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