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Our potential and capabilities may be stifled by our brain’s negative bias.

Self-compassion can lead to openness, curiosity, and motivation to investigate a wider range of choices.

There are many ways to cultivate self-compassion for ourselves.

Humans are programmed to be more negative than positive. Back in the day, focusing on what disaster may befall us was the best way to survive. Now, those negative thoughts are not related to survival, but can get in the way of health and well-being. Ironic.

Often, negativity is aimed at ourselves. We may not have a positive view of our capabilities, our potential, or our ability to rebound after a disappointment or failure. Negative thoughts can keep us in a loop of try, try again, without giving us the energy to open ourselves to new experiences, ways of thinking, or tap into our curiosity. “It’s just who I am.” “I don’t know what else to do.” “I guess I will just throw in the towel.” These can become the unspoken mantra. Not exactly good for survival.

Humans are led along by their negative thoughts. That’s a given. However, we don’t have to believe them. How do we do that?

We can start by becoming aware that humans have brains built to deceive, in many ways. We like to think our brains are reliable, but they are not. As discussed, negativity is preferred. Our brains also like to be efficient. That means they will store away beliefs and then gather information that supports those beliefs. This is known as confirmation bias.

Both of these tendencies can work against us in our quest for well-being, which includes health. "I guess I am just not able to do this.” If you are lost in thought, your choices going forward will be limited. If you do not accept those negative thoughts and tendencies, it opens you to learning, curiosity, and then the cultivation of confidence, autonomy, and success.

Kristen Neff (2023) argues that self-compassion is the key that unlocks our curiosity, motivation, and path to well-being. Once you pull back the veil of negativity and self-criticism, you can become open to all sorts of new ideas and emotions.

The Many Virtues of Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff has spent decades researching self-compassion and has discovered that there are many benefits down the line for those who can cultivate it:

There is a strong connection between self-compassion and reduced anxiety, depression, stress, loneliness, and suicidal ideation.

Self-compassion makes a person less likely to suppress unwanted emotions, but rather to experience and acknowledge them as being important signposts.

Self-compassion is connected to hope, gratitude, curiosity, and vitality.

Self-compassion is linked to the manifestation of the three psychological needs of autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

Self-compassion is associated with health-promoting behaviors such as reduced smoking, healthy diet and exercise, seeking medical care, safe sex, and less bedtime procrastination.

Self-compassion is associated with reduced body image concerns and healthier eating patterns. These can come about because of emotional regulation over potential eating events brought on by stress.

Quite a strong endorsement. What exactly is self-compassion, and how can we get more of it?

According to Neff, self-compassion contains six elements: Increased self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness; reduced self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification. The result: When we forgive ourselves for being just like everyone else, with brains that can lead us down the path of negativity, we can begin to embrace our foibles and learn from them.

If this sounds a lot like Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset (2006), it is not a coincidence. In her paradigm, staying hooked on failures or shortcomings leads to a “fixed mindset,” where being open to changing the narrative is not possible. Having a “growth mindset,” however, means you see missteps as a challenge, staying open to solutions because those missteps do not define you. A good example of this comes from Thomas Edison: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

The Importance of Empathy

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Can we learn to be more self-compassionate? Often it takes guidance. Encouraging self-compassion is the cornerstone of several types of therapy. This makes sense. We may need help sorting through our automatic negative emotions and learn to reframe them.

But we can do some of this ourselves. Neff breaks it down into five thought exercises that may help.

Treat yourself like you would treat a cherished friend.

Remember that you are not alone. We are in this together, all suffering from the foibles of being human.

Ask yourself, “What do I need?” Nurture yourself because you matter.

Place your hand on your heart and breathe. This can be a cue to take a minute to regroup.

Speak to yourself with caring phrases, like “I belong just as I am.”

One final and very important point. When you learn to be compassionate with yourself, it creates more empathy and compassion for others. When you accept yourself, you also find it easier to accept others. This is something we can all use more of.

Neff, K.D. (2023). Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annu. Rev. Psychol. 74:193-218.

Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset, the New Psychology of Success. Random House, N.Y.

Turk, F., Waller, G. (2020). Is self-compassion relevant to the pathology and treatment of eating and body image concerns? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review. Vol. 79, 101856.

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