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Kids who shut down around schoolwork often feel stuck, pressured, or internally flooded with anxiety.

The words "Let's slow down and figure this out" can help a child who won't engage in schoolwork to open up.

Approaching kids in a less inflammatory way about schoolwork can reveal hidden struggles parents didn't see.

Many parents contact me, worried, because their child seems to be shutting down when the topic of school comes up. It is heartbreaking for me when I see negative school experiences ruin a child's relationship with learning. Grades slip, and homework may turn into conflict. Teachers who are trying to manage many other classroom responsibilities say the child is distracted, unmotivated, or overwhelmed.

At home, parents hear things like: "I don't care," "This work is stupid," "I forgot," or "I don't want to do it." Sure, on the surface, it can look like laziness or defiance. But, very often, what is really going on is that the child is feeling stuck, pressured, or internally flooded with anxiety.

In these moments, the wrong words can make kids shut down more. But more helpful words can help them open back up and re-engage.

Let's Slow This Down and Figure It Out

Many kids who struggle in school are not lazy or even truly unwilling—they are overwhelmed. These seven words—"Let's slow this down and figure this out"—may sound simple. But they do something very powerful. They lower pressure, reduce defensiveness, and help kids feel that problems can be solved rather than feel like torture.

When Shutting Down Is Really Overthinking

When kids feel safe and can share what lies under their school shutdown behaviors, the thoughts are often things like:

"What if the teacher really doesn't like me?"

"What if I can't catch up?"

"Everyone else understands the work except me."

When these thoughts get loud, kids will procrastinate, avoid, argue, or give up altogether.

This pattern is one of the reasons I wrote Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, which shows parents how to quiet the noise that interferes with learning, confidence, and motivation. My point is that schoolwork discussion shutdowns are often not about ability. They are about overcoming pressure and the fear of failure.

3 Examples of What the 7 Words Do Differently

When you say, "Let's slow down and figure it out," you send three valuable messages:

You are not in trouble.

We can handle this step by step.

These three communications help kids feel understood. And, what I can't emphasize enough is that kids who feel understood are more likely to try again and maybe even try harder.

Let me show you a few brief examples.

Example 1: Elementary School

A mom of a younger child was frustrated because when she'd remark to her son, "You didn't do your homework," it would lead to tears and tantrums. Once she learned to say, "Let's slow down and figure this out. What is the hardest part about doing this?" things got better. Not perfect, but there was more cooperation and far less drama.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

Example 2: Middle School

A dad of a middle schooler couldn't help himself and said, "You need to take school more seriously." As you can probably imagine, that went over like a lead balloon. So, this dad changed his tune to saying more collaborative statements, such as, "Let's slow down and figure this out. Are you feeling stuck, worried, or frustrated?"

Example 3: High School

On the high school front, an understandably frustrated mom got into the habit of telling her sophomore son, "If you keep this up, you are going to ruin your future." After the son punched a hole in the wall and she made him pay for the repair, the mom asked me for a less inflammatory approach. So she said, "Let's slow down and figure this out. Something is getting in the way. I'm here to just listen without lecturing you."

Admittedly, this did not work for the mom on the first two tries. But the third was a charm. Her son broke down in tears and shared that he had been teased in hurtful ways by some peers, which she would never have found out had she stayed wedded to her negative predictions about him failing in the world.

When school becomes an "undiscussable" with your child, it is best to start by examining how you initiate conversations about it. Let's slow down and figure this out are not only words for your child to hear—you will likely benefit from repeating them to yourself as well.

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