One of my most formative experiences as a rabbi occurred early in my career, during a shiva call. I went to visit a young woman who had lost a parent, and I was desperate to say something helpful, to open a space for her to share her feelings. I tried too hard, and it was completely unsuccessful. I even felt that my efforts might have annoyed or angered her. It was not my business to dictate how she should grieve. I left feeling discouraged and unsure of myself.

In the aftermath, I called a senior rabbi from another community. He explained something that has guided me ever since: it is not our role to dictate how someone should feel. Even if most mourners experience tragedy in a similar way, our responsibility is simply to be present, to be available, and to let the person in mourning take the lead. Halacha reflects this approach: when paying a shiva call, one waits for the mourner to address the visitor first. The visitor’s job is to make it clear that they are there to help in whatever way is needed, but not to impose their own expectations.

This principle extends beyond shiva calls to all acts of chesed. Recently, we witnessed the horrific terrorist shooting in Bondi Beach, Australia. We extend........

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